Wednesday, 25 May 2011

I'm back and I'm armed with Frangelico...

The kids are in bed and I'm "relaxing" with a few Frangelico on the rocks.
I went for my walk. It was fresh to say the least. But sometimes you need that chilly breeze to hit your face and wake you up a bit. You know when you walk around in a bit of a daze, not sure what to feel or think, then there's that gust of wind that just slaps you in the face and says "wake up!". Well I'm awake. I guess I've been awake this whole time...
This news is good and it's bad. In the words of someone I spoke to today "Congratulations and commiserations". It's that relief from finally knowing what is going on with Jack, and it's that grief that every parent who has had a child diagnosed with a 'disability' needs to go through. Although I want to change that word/term 'disability' to 'diffability' as in different ability. That's it I'm writing into Oxford or Macquarie Dictionary and demanding that they include my new word "DIFFABILITY".
Some people may ask why am I somewhat shocked from today's events. I guess it's like being told you are going to get kicked in the face, and you prepare for it as much as you can, you think you're ready then BAM!! you are shocked they went through with the kick and then the pain hits, even though you braced yourself 100%. I think the pain bit hasn't even kicked in.. I'm just in shock. I know it may be hard to understand my shock unless you've been in the same position. I know this because at one stage I was the person listening to the stories of parents who had children with 'developmental delays with autistic traits', who were shocked when they got that final diagnosis. I thought to myself ".. but they knew..". Hmm not exactly. They were just discovering their child and what their child may have. It isn't until the professionals put it into reports, into solid black and white words that it becomes their life.
I am the first to say how bloody lucky I am to have my awesome children. And Jack is the business! I wouldn't change him for the world. Yet having said that, this is not the everyday experience every parent goes through, and believe me I know this is not going to be a smooth ride. It's funny though, I worry people will think how strange that I am grieving this, the fact I have a child who cannot walk but Jack can, I have a child who cannot feed himself, yet Jack can.... Yet any other parent who has been told "Your child had Autism", can break down, cry, grieve. I feel like I shouldn't because I did get the child that is self mobile, that can feed himself. Oh I know I need to cry, I need to grieve. I'm afraid it's going to hit me like it did after Jack was diagnosed with the congenital heart defect Tetralogy of Fallot... only after he had the open heart surgery did I fall apart fully. I came undone at the seams. It's good that I realise this and maybe I can let myself "undo a few stitches". I give myself permission to cry like a baby... but at the moment I can't.
Drinks break people... Going to pour myself another Frangelico... see you in a bit..

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