Not just words....

There are very few things I regret in my life.

But these words I spoke to my mum are the most regretful thing I have ever said:

 "Mum, I've been reading this book. It's about life after death. They are so sure there is something after, you are going to be ok"

The look on my mum's face when those words left my lips... that moment... I just so wish I could take those words back. You see my mum was terminally ill with Pancreatic Cancer . And I was an 18 year old with idealistic thoughts of how the world works and I had very little life experience to have the right form of empathy.

I was selfish in terms of needing to know that my mum was going to a better place, for my own peace of mind, instead of just being there for her, giving her the most immense love and distraction that she needed. The 'me' of today would've dealt with this so very differently. But I was the 'me' of 1998. I was still a teenager. I was experimenting with who I thought I was. And I was wading through all the murkiness of a situation that was far from 'normal'.

I fought my mum's death sentence with a search of eternal life. To find out whether there was in fact an afterlife. I wasn't entirely thinking about her thoughts, her feelings.  

The moment she was diagnosed, nobody dare utter the words 'death', 'heaven', 'terminal' and so on.

If a movie came on the t.v  that alluded to death or the afterlife, the channel was changed.

We never spoke of the inevitable. Until..

Yes that f***ing moment I opened my big, fat, idealistic, teenage mouth.

I haven't changed my opinion of life after death. I actually still agree with my 18 year old self. But knowing my mum's fear of death, I dearly wish I could change that one moment in my life.

I scared her. I shook her to the bone with my words. They may be 'just words' to some. But they abused and bruised my mum. She was in fits of tears.

I heard her crying uncontrollably to my dad when I had left the room:

'She is trying to scare me.. Talking about death.. Why, why?' 

Hearing her sobs. Hearing her talk about me like I was trying to hurt her, instill fear in her... It cuts me to the core, to my very being. I thought I was going to help her and instead I brought every darkened jagged terror to the forefront of her fragile mind. Every thought that she'd fought against, I just torpedoed straight into her consciousness.

I repent to this very day.

My mum wanted to hold on to every last shred of hope. And I just f***ing plucked that last remaining thread and flung it at her face.

I don't regret my search for 'life after death' and Elisabeth Kubler Ross was a comforting read.

But if I just played along with the charade of invincibility.... That moment would never have happened... My mum would've felt like she could live forever. She wouldn't have been suffocated by fear and horrror.

So there you have it.

This is the one thing that haunts me to this day.

These are the only words I wish I had never uttered.

I just wanted her to feel safe.

And on her last day, I said...

'You are safe mum. You are surrounded by love. I love you. Everything is going to be ok'

Those words I never regret.

'..everything is going to be ok'

Those are the best words ever.

I have heard those words many times.

They are true.

Everything is going to be ok. Not 'fabulous', not 'crap'. Just 'ok' and that is ok by me.


I am sharing this post with awesome company on Where's My Glow's:

..Dear Diary...

I decided that today I would share a few extracts from one of my diaries. But there is a reason for my choice in which diary and what dates. You see tomorrow is the 24th of May, and it will mark the 13th anniversary of my mum's passing. So I have chosen the diary from when I was in my late teens. I haven't opened it for awhile and it will probably be quite confronting for me and possibly for others. But I think it may help deal with all those emotions and thoughts that come up at this time every year.
So here we go...
Saturday 21st February 1998:
Mum got her results from the tests she had on Thurs, it said the liver & kidneys were fine but the pancreas has an enlargement at the head & points to carcinoma. We freaked & called Dr T..., so mum & Tam drove to C....... at 6pm to get Dr T... to explain the results.
I called dad who had met up with them in C..... He wouldn't tell me anything on the phone, so when Tam called (came home seperately) I asked her to tell me what's going on. Dr T... said we have to treat/view it as cancer of the pancreas at the moment & hopefully prove it wrong. Mum's going for some more tests on Monday- CT scan and chest X-ray. I was fully shocked.
When Ma and Pa {this is what I called my parents sometimes) & Tam came home I found out if it is Cancer of the Pancreas & it hasn't spread yet they have to take out the pancreas & mum will be on enzymes for the rest of her life or if it has spread (namely to her lungs) she will die. I can't believe it! I feel sooo bad for mum, poor thing is sooooo afraid and upset. I love her sooooo much and would lose my mind if she dies.

Well that was hard to type. I'm shaking a little. I totally forgot about that. I didn't know that was the exact date she got her diagnosis.

Monday 23rd February 1998:
Mum went for the CT scan today & the result was that she has Cancer of the Pancreas, but it hasn't spread to any other organs. So they have to remove the pancreas & give chemo to mum. I guess it's better than her dying but I'd be shitting bricks if I had to have an organ removed. I love her soooooo much. I hope she's not too scared and that everything goes well.

Once again I totally forgot about this. The hope.

Sunday 8th March 1998:
We've been visiting mum everyday, she thinks this is the end. i try & tell her it isn't. Mum is on morphine (but it doesn't entirely work). On Fri I stayed the whole day with mum, except she had a special test at 2pm (which went for 3 hours). She had to be taken to the Nuclear Medicine section & injected with a special dye, so i couldn't stay with her. So I walked to westfields & spoke to Mrs M... on the mobile phone.
Yesterday Dad, Tam, C.. & I went to C.... to do shopping & buy mum a few nighties. Mrs M... gave us a dinner to keep in the fridge till we need it, she also gave a present to mum > a tiny teddy bear named 'Precious'. I gave Mrs M... a hug & thanked her for her help.
People have said they've been praying for her,I have prayed also but feel praying will do no good.
On Monday we'll find out what's happening with mum.
There's a girl in the ward named Janelle who's 16 years old and has Acute Leukemia (a fast occuring thing, pretty fatal). she was crying on monday night & has had a lot of visitors (high school friends and teachers). It is sooooo sad. It's such a depressing ward > ill people, vomit noises etc etc. Janelle had pretty below the shoulder length hair when I first saw her on monday but yesterday I saw her with a short boys hair cut looking much more ill.
Mum's looking soooo skinny/bony, like she's fading away. Tam is breaking & so is dad. I reckon I'm just in shock, acting strange and having weird dreams, yesterdays dream had the theme of death (with a written description of what happens in the last few mins of dying).

Tuesday 10th March 1998:
Yesterday evening Tam & I drove to L... Hospital. Mum told us how the P.E.T scan went. There are some 'warm spots' in the liver & near the collar bone, doesn't look hopeful & mum has to have another ultrasound. We (Ma, Pa, Tam & I) went outside, I hugged mum as we both became tearful. Mum's shaking in fear. it hurts to see her like this. I don't think it's fully hit me yet.
Tam & I had a little catfight over nothing cos we're both vented up with anger. but both apologised.
This is like some awful nightmare.

Night mare indeed. It is painful to read and I just want to go back and do something more helpful for my mum. I feel I should've hugged her more at that time. I shouldn't have left her side, ever.

Wednesday 11th March 1998:
Found out that they can't operate, the cancer is in another place as well. Mum's starting chemo tonight. There's a 1 in 5 chance of it working & mum living.  It's so shocking, I can't believe it! she was meant to live until over 70, see me grow into a woman, get a job, get married & have kids. Argggggh. I cried for 10 minutes straight just thinking about it all. This fucking sux! There's like a death sentence on her. She's the best mum in the world. I love her soooo much!

Thursday 12th March 1998:
I just finished watching 'Oprah' & it was about keeping a gratitude journal, how it helps you appreciate the day, fulfills your life, makes you positive, instead of focussing on the bad. I will try to do the same here, focus on the things I'm grateful for but also what happens in the day or week (neg or pos). Oprah used to keep a diary from 15 years old onwards, but it was filled with negative things, but for about 2 years now she has kept a gratitude journal which contains 5 things you are grateful for in the day. So here goes...
1. I got to be educated today, went to school
2. I really enjoyed breakfast
3. I actually enjoyed cleaning the house, purifying experience
4. Mum came home, i'm glad to have her
5. Thanks for microwaves. i made dinner of deb potato & peas

Ok so I need a break for a bit. I will post this and go have a shower. Thank you for reading this far. It is a journey so inexplicable, but I hope to have helped someone, even if it's myself, in sharing this.

Foggy in the head...

When I have bouts of depression I get, what I call "foggy in the head". I can't think straight, I get easily confused, my memory suffers and I become forgetful. I also become worried about 'nothing in particular'. I get panicky and anxious. And for the life of me I do not know why!
The funny thing is I am actually happy at the same time... Happy that I have a loving and supportive husband, three amazing children and we have a roof over our heads. I am filled with gratitude for all the positive and wonderful things in my life. Yet I can still have times where I just feel 'hopeless' and fearful, and I can't put my finger on what it is I'm scared about. I certainly don't want to die, but there are times where living is just so tiring and the thought of sleeping for a few months or years sounds kinda nice. Not having to think or feel for a little while, now that would be a little slice of heaven.
People may argue that the things I have experienced in my life would certainly be the cause of these feelings,  but I really doubt that. I had the "foggy in the head" times when I was a teenager too. Before my mum passed away. Before my diabetes was diagnosed. So it is not something entirely connected to my situation and experiences. Although certain events have not helped me in that aspect. I even had to go on Anti-Depressants after Jack's Open Heart Surgery. I dealt with Jack's heart defect diagnosis quite well, and the surgery I was terrified but I got through it. What got me was about a month later I just started thinking "what next?" What else will one of us get? Or be diagnosed with? I became paranoid about every ache, pain, discomfort. I was afraid I had breast cancer and I would check everyday. I checked every mole on my body worrying about melanoma. I was a wreck and I thought that I was meant to be tip top because Jack's heart was fixed!. I decided I couldn't function like that and went on the meds. What got me off the meds was that I became pregnant with Evangeline.
I have nothing against anti-depressants and I'm all for taking them if they're your only hope. But I really don't want to take them myself and I have been able to deal with depression through healthy eating, exercise and positive thinking.  But at the moment I am doing the healthy eating and exercising and even positive thinking, yet I am coming over with that bloody "foggy in the head" feeling, that heavy heart, that "I want to sleep for a year". Maybe it's just a little glitch in my mind right now and next week I will be ok.
The one thing that I hope my children never inherit from me is Depression. I say inherit because I do believe it is genetic. My mum suffered from it and her dad suffered from it. Yet I fear this hope is futile as the amount of people I know who suffer or who have suffered from depression is quite large, and is always on the rise. Why is this???

Where to start???

Okay so I have no idea how this will pan out, or play out... sounds like my life really lol. Oh dear I promised myself there'd be no 'lol'ing.
It's probably best I start with who I am...
Purely and simply... I am a 31 year old woman, married to my Knight in Shining Armour, with whom I have three beautiful and amazing children. The 'stranger than fiction' part? Oh well that's here, there and everywhere. Some of my life has been 'the norm' but I would have to say majority of it has been a wicked rollercoaster ride. The ride I think began in my teens when I suffered from Eating Disorders (ok that's probably more the norm thing these days eeek), and got the shock of my life at 15 when I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. My mum actually thought that the diabetes saved my life (from the anorexia and bulimia) but I did have relapses over the years. After the Diabetes diagnosis at 15, my whole family got the worse news ever when my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I was 18, my mum was (ok I won't disclose her age, mum would not be impressed, she liked to keep that one 'mum'). Before I got to graduate from High school my mum passed away. She never got to see me graduate, go to uni, get married, have kids... something a lot of people tend to take for granted. I distinctly remember her saying to me as she was wasting away "The saddest thing is- I will never meet my grandchildren"... that has rung in my ears everyday of my life and has become louder since having my children.
After I graduated from High school I went on to university to study teaching. I partied extremely hard, which 90% of that partying I do regret, but I think that was my way of escaping the pain I felt from the loss of my mum. I suffered great bouts of depression, not knowing what I wanted in life, feeling lost and hopeless. I transferred degrees, then went back again to finish what I started. In that final year of uni I met a much younger man (I was 24, he was 18) and fell head over heels in love. We planned to be together for ever and so I decided to propose to him. Lucky for me, he accepted. Two months later we got a huge surprise... we were expecting a baby (to be born in Sept 2005)!
This was the start of the more major journey we weren't expecting...
The birth was traumatic and had complications. Our first born, Liam started having seizures and apneas after the emergency c-section. Months later we were to discover that the trauma at birth had caused a lifelong disability, severe Spastic Quadraplegic Cerebral Palsy. And so the beginning of an entirely new road... a road only the minority of people will experience.
We thought that our bad luck and traumatising experiences were over. Hmmm not bloody likely.. We wanted a sibling for Liam and fell pregnant in 2007. Half way through the pregnancy my waters broke and I had to give birth to my little boy Dylan, who was too young to survive outside the womb. My heart was broken. What had I done in a past life to get all this bad luck??? Ha! Well that was just the beginning. We became pregnant again in 2008. I was very worried but the pregnancy seemed to go well. Jack made an early appearance at 35 weeks, but he seemed healthy and happy. And we were extremely happy. Until we found out at 4 months old he had a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. The only way to fix it was with Open Heart Surgery. I couldn't believe it! So at 5 months old little Jacky had his OHS.
Now for another surprise... this time a good one lol. We were expecting another baby! Jack was only 9 months and we were in shock to say the least. As I neared the end of the pregnancy we started to worry about Jack's development... So he started Speech therapy at 15 months old.
Evangeline was born September 2010 and she was and is perfect! But I think my two boys are perfect too! Just a different kind of perfect. As Evy was blending well into our family, it became more obvious Jack was the 'black sheep'. Now we are on the journey of Jack being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I know this is a heap of info to read in a first blog entry. My apologies. But I needed a kind of nutshell thing to keep you up to speed as a blog further. I will hopefully have entries organised in themes etc. So you don't have to pour through each individual entry if there is only one or two things you are interested in reading such as info on Cerebral palsy or Depression or Open heart Surgery or... you get the idea.