Wordless Wednesday.... Jack's Open Heart Surgery (2nd Year Anniversary)..

Joining My little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday.

The Night Before...

This time two years ago, I was laying on my eldest son's fire engine bed. Hyperventilating. Scream-crying.  I don't know how I got to laying there. I just have this vivid memory of lying there.

"Just check my left breast!" I wailed to my husband.

I felt tingling, almost pain sensations in my left breast. I was convinced I had breast cancer.

The panic sent electrical pulses through my body.
My heart started to gallop harder, faster.
A metallic taste built in my mouth.. the taste of fear.

"I don't want to die", I pleaded with my husband.

"You are not going to die Yeran".
The look in his eyes was of confusion. Confused by what he was seeing in his wife...
And I was confused too. Why was I feeling like this? Why wasn't I thinking about the real issue at hand?

I should've been scream-crying about what was to happen the next day.

I should've been panicking about whether it would all go smoothly.

I should've been freaking out at the idea that my little baby boy was about to have his chest bone broken open, have his heart stopped, let big hands pry into his chest and cut away at heart muscle and patch up a large hole, all the while on a bypass machine.

I should've shed tears for all those things.

But instead my mind and my body had other ideas... a strange form of self preservation I gather. Instead of focussing on the actual matter at hand I was creating drama and fear somewhere completely different. Somewhere so unexpected. And I felt worse because the focus was on myself and my well-being. How selfish of a mother was I? I had never imagined that this is how I would feel or react.

I was inconsolable.
I had some good friends offer me valium.
They offered me an artificial zen. A zoned out calm.
I didn't take it.
I rode this horrendous wave.

And I woke up in the morning with no more tears. I was oddly refreshed. I was calm. I was a little nervous, but it was like the previous night's episode had cleansed me. It had literally scrubbed at my mind, at my insides and at my soul.
I was prepared for anything and I was wearing my WonderWoman t-shirt to prove it.

Here is my 'video' of that day and the following week.

I don't know whether anyone else has ever reacted like I did in a similar situation.
But then again, anxiety, grief, trauma, all affect people in different ways. I guess there is no right and wrong in reactions... although having said that, there is society's unspoken laws on how to behave or react to situations. I try my hardest not to judge people on how they deal with situations. It is an entirely individual thing. As long as it doesn't harm anyone, I don't see why it should be deemed as wrong.

I would be interested to know how people have reacted/dealt/behaved in traumatic situations. And whether anybody has done the same as me....

irony...

I am guessing this is ironic...
When I was pregnant with Jack I mentioned to some people that I felt bad Liam would be the one with a disability in the family and that he would have to watch his "normal" sibling grow up and develop before his eyes, without needing Doctor's appointments and therapy appointments. At one of my 3rd trimester ultrasounds it was picked up that Jack had 'positional talipes', so I felt Liam now wasn't the only child in our family who will need some physio therapy and I was strangely happy about this.
At a few weeks old my little Jacky had plaster casts put on his feet. That was what I thought to be the extent of Jack's 'problems'.
At four months old Jack was diagnosed with a 'hole in the heart' by our paediatrician. Once again we were ok with this. Many babies have this and it usually fixes itself. It didn't even register on my worry scale at this point... But we were sent to our local cardiologist just to check what the extent was. At this appointment we were to find out Jack has a Congenital Heart Defect and the only way to 'fix it' was Open Heart Surgery. At this point I thought "yes Jack, you have now proved that Liam isn't the only child with something different in our family and you've surpassed him in giving us a freak out!".
Nowthat Jack has his diagnosis of Autism, I can safely say Liam will not be alone in being the kid who has therapy, doctor's appointments and the rest. Oh but the irony of my earlier worries I spoke of to others is so apparent right now. You have to laugh right? Or you'll cry....

Life in pictures...

I love photographs. I love looking at other people's photos, I love looking at my own and I love sharing them. Photos can be both very revealing as well as very deceiving.
I thought that I would do a post of parts of my life in pictures today. Just to give you a glimpse into my world. Sometimes photographs can say so much more than words.

My mum when she was pregnant with me, 1979

Mum and I about 6 or 7 months prior to her passing, 1997

My university graduation with my Knight in Shining Armour (the next day I proposed to him) 2004.

My first child, Liam, when he was 2 days old. 2005

Our wedding day. Liam was a lucky little boy to be witness to our official nuptials. 2006

Liam's 1st Birthday. 2006

A flower from one of the many beautiful bunches we received after losing Dylan. 2008

Our 'early bird' Jack (born at 35 weeks gestation) when he was 3 days old. 2009

Jack after his Open Heart Surgery. 2009

The Christmas gift that keeps on giving... my two favourite boys, Jack & Liam. 2009

PINK!! I finally got my little girl, Evangeline. 2010

Well there you have a bit of my life in a nutshell in photos... It doesn't scratch the surface really.

As I blog on I will try to add images that are important/relevant to what I am writing about. 

I also would like to share my love of taking photographs and show you all my artsy fartsy side.
I urge you to take some "relax" time looking back at old photographs you have, of your self, of your family, friends and so on. It will definately bring back a huge blog of memories you can write in your head.

Foggy in the head...

When I have bouts of depression I get, what I call "foggy in the head". I can't think straight, I get easily confused, my memory suffers and I become forgetful. I also become worried about 'nothing in particular'. I get panicky and anxious. And for the life of me I do not know why!
The funny thing is I am actually happy at the same time... Happy that I have a loving and supportive husband, three amazing children and we have a roof over our heads. I am filled with gratitude for all the positive and wonderful things in my life. Yet I can still have times where I just feel 'hopeless' and fearful, and I can't put my finger on what it is I'm scared about. I certainly don't want to die, but there are times where living is just so tiring and the thought of sleeping for a few months or years sounds kinda nice. Not having to think or feel for a little while, now that would be a little slice of heaven.
People may argue that the things I have experienced in my life would certainly be the cause of these feelings,  but I really doubt that. I had the "foggy in the head" times when I was a teenager too. Before my mum passed away. Before my diabetes was diagnosed. So it is not something entirely connected to my situation and experiences. Although certain events have not helped me in that aspect. I even had to go on Anti-Depressants after Jack's Open Heart Surgery. I dealt with Jack's heart defect diagnosis quite well, and the surgery I was terrified but I got through it. What got me was about a month later I just started thinking "what next?" What else will one of us get? Or be diagnosed with? I became paranoid about every ache, pain, discomfort. I was afraid I had breast cancer and I would check everyday. I checked every mole on my body worrying about melanoma. I was a wreck and I thought that I was meant to be tip top because Jack's heart was fixed!. I decided I couldn't function like that and went on the meds. What got me off the meds was that I became pregnant with Evangeline.
I have nothing against anti-depressants and I'm all for taking them if they're your only hope. But I really don't want to take them myself and I have been able to deal with depression through healthy eating, exercise and positive thinking.  But at the moment I am doing the healthy eating and exercising and even positive thinking, yet I am coming over with that bloody "foggy in the head" feeling, that heavy heart, that "I want to sleep for a year". Maybe it's just a little glitch in my mind right now and next week I will be ok.
The one thing that I hope my children never inherit from me is Depression. I say inherit because I do believe it is genetic. My mum suffered from it and her dad suffered from it. Yet I fear this hope is futile as the amount of people I know who suffer or who have suffered from depression is quite large, and is always on the rise. Why is this???

Where to start???

Okay so I have no idea how this will pan out, or play out... sounds like my life really lol. Oh dear I promised myself there'd be no 'lol'ing.
It's probably best I start with who I am...
Purely and simply... I am a 31 year old woman, married to my Knight in Shining Armour, with whom I have three beautiful and amazing children. The 'stranger than fiction' part? Oh well that's here, there and everywhere. Some of my life has been 'the norm' but I would have to say majority of it has been a wicked rollercoaster ride. The ride I think began in my teens when I suffered from Eating Disorders (ok that's probably more the norm thing these days eeek), and got the shock of my life at 15 when I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. My mum actually thought that the diabetes saved my life (from the anorexia and bulimia) but I did have relapses over the years. After the Diabetes diagnosis at 15, my whole family got the worse news ever when my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I was 18, my mum was (ok I won't disclose her age, mum would not be impressed, she liked to keep that one 'mum'). Before I got to graduate from High school my mum passed away. She never got to see me graduate, go to uni, get married, have kids... something a lot of people tend to take for granted. I distinctly remember her saying to me as she was wasting away "The saddest thing is- I will never meet my grandchildren"... that has rung in my ears everyday of my life and has become louder since having my children.
After I graduated from High school I went on to university to study teaching. I partied extremely hard, which 90% of that partying I do regret, but I think that was my way of escaping the pain I felt from the loss of my mum. I suffered great bouts of depression, not knowing what I wanted in life, feeling lost and hopeless. I transferred degrees, then went back again to finish what I started. In that final year of uni I met a much younger man (I was 24, he was 18) and fell head over heels in love. We planned to be together for ever and so I decided to propose to him. Lucky for me, he accepted. Two months later we got a huge surprise... we were expecting a baby (to be born in Sept 2005)!
This was the start of the more major journey we weren't expecting...
The birth was traumatic and had complications. Our first born, Liam started having seizures and apneas after the emergency c-section. Months later we were to discover that the trauma at birth had caused a lifelong disability, severe Spastic Quadraplegic Cerebral Palsy. And so the beginning of an entirely new road... a road only the minority of people will experience.
We thought that our bad luck and traumatising experiences were over. Hmmm not bloody likely.. We wanted a sibling for Liam and fell pregnant in 2007. Half way through the pregnancy my waters broke and I had to give birth to my little boy Dylan, who was too young to survive outside the womb. My heart was broken. What had I done in a past life to get all this bad luck??? Ha! Well that was just the beginning. We became pregnant again in 2008. I was very worried but the pregnancy seemed to go well. Jack made an early appearance at 35 weeks, but he seemed healthy and happy. And we were extremely happy. Until we found out at 4 months old he had a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. The only way to fix it was with Open Heart Surgery. I couldn't believe it! So at 5 months old little Jacky had his OHS.
Now for another surprise... this time a good one lol. We were expecting another baby! Jack was only 9 months and we were in shock to say the least. As I neared the end of the pregnancy we started to worry about Jack's development... So he started Speech therapy at 15 months old.
Evangeline was born September 2010 and she was and is perfect! But I think my two boys are perfect too! Just a different kind of perfect. As Evy was blending well into our family, it became more obvious Jack was the 'black sheep'. Now we are on the journey of Jack being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
I know this is a heap of info to read in a first blog entry. My apologies. But I needed a kind of nutshell thing to keep you up to speed as a blog further. I will hopefully have entries organised in themes etc. So you don't have to pour through each individual entry if there is only one or two things you are interested in reading such as info on Cerebral palsy or Depression or Open heart Surgery or... you get the idea.