Funeral Attire....

Ok so the title sounds morbid and I guess it kind of is.

But I was driving past a funeral the other day and my first thought was the obvious: "oh that is sad, I feel for the person that has lost their life and for their loved ones".

A sea of tailored black suits and dresses, skirts and shirts, ironed and starched.

Shiny patent leather shoes. Clicking and clacking.

Hats tipped to hide the welling eyes.

Quivering lipstick.

Then all of a sudden I had the strange random thought "I do not want people to get dolled up for my funeral!!".

The idea actually pee's me off a little, that people spend all this time and effort getting into a fancy outfit, get all made up, and basically look amazing, to farewell a person who has passed away. How does that honour them? How does looking amazing at a funeral really do the 'guest of honour' justice?

Seriously I would love everyone to just rock up in their pyjamas (and no not some fancy pants Peter Alexander number or a Victoria's Secret get up). I am talking just get out of bed and head to my funeral, with bed hair and all. Morning breath optional.

I don't want anyone posing with a handkerchief.

I don't want any smear of make-up on anyone.

Because when it comes to love and when it comes to grieving, neither needs to be 'dressed up'. The heart and the soul will provide the aesthetics.

How would you like everyone to dress at your funeral? Just something random to ponder....

Not just words....

There are very few things I regret in my life.

But these words I spoke to my mum are the most regretful thing I have ever said:

 "Mum, I've been reading this book. It's about life after death. They are so sure there is something after, you are going to be ok"

The look on my mum's face when those words left my lips... that moment... I just so wish I could take those words back. You see my mum was terminally ill with Pancreatic Cancer . And I was an 18 year old with idealistic thoughts of how the world works and I had very little life experience to have the right form of empathy.

I was selfish in terms of needing to know that my mum was going to a better place, for my own peace of mind, instead of just being there for her, giving her the most immense love and distraction that she needed. The 'me' of today would've dealt with this so very differently. But I was the 'me' of 1998. I was still a teenager. I was experimenting with who I thought I was. And I was wading through all the murkiness of a situation that was far from 'normal'.

I fought my mum's death sentence with a search of eternal life. To find out whether there was in fact an afterlife. I wasn't entirely thinking about her thoughts, her feelings.  

The moment she was diagnosed, nobody dare utter the words 'death', 'heaven', 'terminal' and so on.

If a movie came on the t.v  that alluded to death or the afterlife, the channel was changed.

We never spoke of the inevitable. Until..

Yes that f***ing moment I opened my big, fat, idealistic, teenage mouth.

I haven't changed my opinion of life after death. I actually still agree with my 18 year old self. But knowing my mum's fear of death, I dearly wish I could change that one moment in my life.

I scared her. I shook her to the bone with my words. They may be 'just words' to some. But they abused and bruised my mum. She was in fits of tears.

I heard her crying uncontrollably to my dad when I had left the room:

'She is trying to scare me.. Talking about death.. Why, why?' 

Hearing her sobs. Hearing her talk about me like I was trying to hurt her, instill fear in her... It cuts me to the core, to my very being. I thought I was going to help her and instead I brought every darkened jagged terror to the forefront of her fragile mind. Every thought that she'd fought against, I just torpedoed straight into her consciousness.

I repent to this very day.

My mum wanted to hold on to every last shred of hope. And I just f***ing plucked that last remaining thread and flung it at her face.

I don't regret my search for 'life after death' and Elisabeth Kubler Ross was a comforting read.

But if I just played along with the charade of invincibility.... That moment would never have happened... My mum would've felt like she could live forever. She wouldn't have been suffocated by fear and horrror.

So there you have it.

This is the one thing that haunts me to this day.

These are the only words I wish I had never uttered.

I just wanted her to feel safe.

And on her last day, I said...

'You are safe mum. You are surrounded by love. I love you. Everything is going to be ok'

Those words I never regret.

'..everything is going to be ok'

Those are the best words ever.

I have heard those words many times.

They are true.

Everything is going to be ok. Not 'fabulous', not 'crap'. Just 'ok' and that is ok by me.


I am sharing this post with awesome company on Where's My Glow's:

Those gifts for THOSE occasions...

No I'm not talking about birthdays or Christmas or even Valentine's Day (dirty minds can be left at the door for this post). I am actually talking about 'gifts' that are given to people under non celebratory circumstances...

When I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and spent a week in hospital, I had many cards sent to me, but I also had a number of gifts too. Obviously not chocolate or any sweets, instead I got a few angel type ornaments. I guess people were trying to show me that I was going to be 'looked after by the angels' and it was a lovely gesture. I was 15 years old after all. And I did love and appreciate these presents.

Giving presents at non celebratory times is just not something we think about until the time comes, and we decide to give someone something in their time of sadness, worry or fear.
Of course there is always flowers. But somehow flowers don't always express what we want to convey..

When my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, the mother of my boyfriend at the time had given my mum a gorgeous little bear called 'Precious'. And that bear still holds so much meaning to me. As does another teddy bear we were given at the time named Toffee. Toffee travelled with my dad, sister and I around the world after my mum had passed away, we took photos of Toffee with us in all sorts of landmarks. I guess teddy bears signify comfort, cuddles and snuggles, and I believe they can be a beautiful offering in the right circumstance.

Today I gave a gift to a lady whose daughter has just been diagnosed with Autism. It was an Autism Awareness bracelet. Ok so she probably thought "Bottle of gin would've been better" hahaha, but no, the look in her eyes and the hug definately told me it was a good 'non-celebratory' gift. I think there are times, like when a diagnosis is given, it is sometimes a lovely gesture to give a little sunshine rather than a look of sadness or pity. I know material things don't make up for what has happened or is happening, but they certainly can puff up the spirit a bit. 

When I lost my baby Dylan, the hospital gave me a little knitted outfit that the nurses took photos of him in. That knitted outfit is such a priceless gift.   Parents who lost their babies many years ago were never given any momentos. But thankfully an amazing organisation/registered charity called Little Angels Memory Boxes have been sending out their own form of 'non-celebratory' gifts to recently bereaved parents in Australian hospitals. I wish they had been around over 3 years ago, but luckily I had that lovely team of nurses who put together a little package of photos and the outfit for me.

All the 'non-celebratory' gifts I have received over the years I have kept and I still look at from time to time. They bring back memories, make my thoughts and feelings about that particular experience valid,  they also remind me that people care for me, love and support me. 

Taboo.. going from Still birth to Suicide

So in my page on the loss of my baby Dylan I wanted to take away the 'Taboo'ness of the subject of losing a baby. Tonight I want to take away the 'Taboo'ness on the subject of suicide.
Suicide is a very, very tough subject. But I think it needs to be talked about, openly. I know a number of people who have been touched by it. I have never been close enough to know it's full impact and I guess you would never know unless a very close loved one has committed suicide.
My pop who died of pneumonia before I was even born, had attempted suicide when he was in his forties. He ended up in an institution for the rest of his life after his failed suicide attempt. I wish my mum was alive today to tell me more about it. How it affected her. What was he like. Did she know what the particular reasons were. All I know is that he suffered from depression. And that he was a talented artist.
The good thing is, that times have changed... depression is no longer seen as something that needs to be hidden and locked away. Although it may be difficult for those who have never experienced or been touched by it, to understand. But in this day and age it seems to have touched everyone in some way. Or is it that we are able to talk about it now, that more people are coming forward with their stories? Whichever the case, it is not going away and so many people need help and understanding. Not judgement. Judgement is the last thing they need.
When I was young I had a few 'moments'. These 'moments' could've ended my life. Thank God that I never went through with it. I would never know all this amazing stuff that's happening in the world. I would never have had Liam, Jack or Evangeline. I don't know what stopped me, or made me come to my senses, but I'm glad I did realise it was not the answer.
Two of my friends had said today that it 'takes guts' to go through with it. And yes, I guess you could put it that way. But it takes a mind that needs help, major help, to get to that point. To get to the point that this seems to be the ONLY solution. When it is NOT the ONLY solution.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we as a society need to be more open, and waaaay less judgemental. I know it's very much a Utopian view. But any dream is a possible reality. We just have to work towards it.
I haven't even touched on half the topic and what needs to be covered. But I think I will leave it here at the moment. It's pretty heavy going for a friday night.

And if you are interested in the impact that suicide has on loved ones I highly recommend reading blogger Lori's journey.

Anxiety and panic...

It comes and goes in waves. I could go weeks without any form of anxiety or panic, then BAM! I start to worry about something such as an ache or pain, turning it into something more sinister in my mind. Then it takes over my entire being and I end up a wreck.
The last 2 days have been focussed on my fear of a heart attack. To some that may sound far fetched: a 31 year old woman at risk of cardiac arrest? no way. But unfortunately it is yes way. I have type 1 diabetes and it is a fact that heart disease is one of the many complications that can affect a diabetic. And the scary truth that cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in people with diabetes is starting to hit me bad at the moment. I am scared s***less about this. I have no idea why I have all of a sudden focussed on this. Which makes me wonder if it's intuition and it's something I need to follow up on or whether I am just letting my neurotic crazy head get the better of me. Either way I have become proactive about it and am getting all the necessary blood tests done and an ecg.
I have a feeling my worry is born from being a mother. I would not have thought of these worries 10 years ago. I need to be 100% healthy for my children's sake. They need their mum to be able to care for them, and not just in that generic way. I have Liam who literally needs me for everything. EVERYTHING. It would be selfish of me not to be selfish lol. That is how I have to look at it. I have to put my diabetes management first so I can put my children's needs next. If I don't then I won't be able to do ANYTHING for my children. This is hard as a parent, because we naturally want to put our children first and everything else follows. I am going to have to re-evaluate this...

This is also applicable to my mental health. I need to be gentle on myself. This seems to be another aspect parents find difficult. Us parents tend to push our mental health needs to the side and hope it will all be ok. But that doesn't serve our children well. We need to be stable for our children to feel stable. At the moment I am not seeing any professionals for this. In some way I would like to, but then I think about the bad experiences I have had in the past with counsellors (how some had made me feel worse!) and I decide against it. Instead I choose to speak about it with my husband or a friend. This is an important step for anybody with mental health issues to do and one in which fellow blogger Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mum is very adament about. So please if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, fear, panic, deep worry... SPEAK.  Words outloud are in a safer place than words stuck in your head, that can swirl and whirl, fester and feed on further fear and darkness.

Vaccinations...

Just watched a segment on Australia's 60 Minutes about the debate on whether we should vaccinate our children or not. I can't believe it is even debateable! The pros clearly out weigh the cons, and even then I'm not sure what the cons are.... I mean I am sure there are a few cases of 'adverse reactions' as with any drugs/medications, but the possibility of diseases that have been pretty close to eradicated for decades now, coming back and taking the lives of many children, is a great reason for keeping up with immunisations.
The whole debate on whether vaccines cause Autism is laughable. And even if it did... I would rather a child with Autism than a dead baby. Now I can say that!!!!
I can't even imagine what those parents went through whose babies died of whooping cough. My heart aches for them. Watching their precious baby videos, seeing how healthy these little bubbas were and that within days they were on life support. One mum said "I would love to hear my baby cry again". And sure enough Evangeline cried tonight and I was so happy to hear it. Our babies, our children, are so precious. We need to protect them. We need to keep illnesses like Measles, Mumps, Rubella and Whooping Cough as dormant as possible, if not completely eradicated.
Just had to post this straightaway. It is something I'm passionate about.

Apples and Oranges...

To compare one human to another does not serve a great purpose. Neither does comparing one person's experience to another. Not only does it serve no purpose, but you truly can not compare at all. There are a multitude of factors that come into play, yet there is no 'formula' that will put together all the factors and create a 'rating' or some such. For example: the grief I feel about my mum's death cannot be compared with the loss of my baby Dylan... it's Apples and Oranges. I ache when thinking about either of these, but they are different, yet the same... Difficult to explain..
I was discussing with a few people about the death of loved ones and how some people think that in the case of a slow death like Cancer which gives a chance to say goodbye, is 'better' than a shock instant death nobody saw coming. Death, whether predicted or surprise, is sad, scary, awful and horrifying. No one person's death can be compared in measured grief (and I must say grief can not be measured), yet I think there are a lot of people who don't realise this. They think what they have experienced is worse than anybody else's experience. And personally what does upset me is that going back to the first point I raised in this paragraph where people have said to me "You were lucky to say goodbye". WTF?? Saying goodbye to my mum makes her death less painful?? Not at all. And I'm not saying it would've been 'better' if she'd died in a car accident. There is no such thing as a 'better' death. It is all painful, and the pain never goes away, we just become 'better' at 'managing' it.
The same can be said of the age of the person at their death. Whether it is a still born baby, a teenager, a fifty year old or a ninety year old. All these deaths leave family and friends behind. People who loved, cared and supported this being.  All these deaths cause distress, grief, anger, upset and hopelessness. You cannot compare. Apples and Oranges.
Sorry that this post so far has discussed a lot of death. I will move away from the morbid..
Our children are Apples and Oranges. Every single one of them. Yet parents can't help but compare and I feel it takes away from the magic that is each of our individual children. I mean it is nice to be proud and announce achievements of our off spring, but sometimes people take it a bit too far, not realising the people they may be hurting in the process. I felt this for the first few months of Liam's life, when we didn't know Liam had Cerebral Palsy. I had a friend whose child was born a month after Liam. We would meet up every few weeks for coffee and a playdate. As time went by my friend would be sprouting off all these awesome things her son could do and I was left feeling sad and down. After a year I couldn't watch as her son developed at great speed and Liam was still my little baby, so our playdates dwindled. But luckily I had the Special Needs playgroup we went to, to feel 'normal'. Which is where I still go to this day, my place of solace, my 'safehouse', because there I feel my life is 'normal' and my children aren't 'different'.
One subject I am confident I know you can't compare.. 'Diffability'. With both of my sons and their diagnoses I am feeling all the same emotions, but you cannot compare the two.  A lot of people may say "But Jack can do more than Liam, his diagnosis is not as bad"... err what?? Jack is Jack, and Liam is Liam. I love them equally and will have my moments of grief with either when those gentle reminders of their 'diffability' pop up, just as much as the other. The difficult aspects of their 'diffability' cannot be compared either, as with any person. A lady once said to me "Jack will be more difficult than Liam".. huh?!? How do you figure that? They are both male so I'm going with the whole, they are both going to be difficult hahahahahahahaha.  I will also celebrate their achievements as individuals, with no comparison to each of them or to anyone else. I call these PB's.. personal bests. I try to do this for myself also. So instead of thinking: "Oh but so and so can do this or that, why can't I?" , I shall focus on what I have achieved and what I can attempt to achieve that I'm comfortable with. No need to 'keep up with the Joneses'.
Ok so I hope this post helps in letting know that you are all important, you all have lives that are filled with significant experiences and that not one of us is the same. Oh and it is crap pointless to compare.

.. Dear Diary.. part 2..

Ok people I'm back from my shower. Continuing on..

Sunday 15th March 1998:
Mum's become jaundice & bony thin. She is in absolute agony and throwing up. I can't take it, it hurts me so bad to see her this way. My stomach churns and my heart aches. Lying in bed last night trying to go to sleep I heard "Tears in Heaven" & cried myself to sleep. When i woke up Tam came in the room & gave me a hug & we cried together. Dad hadn't slept last night (maybe only got an hours sleep), he'd been crying and pacing.
I had many bad dreams, one with me hugging & kissing mum as she was in pain and dying, she oozed a desperate urgency to stay with me & I with her. We couldn't let go & there was a knowledge there that she was soon to 'leave'. It's freaking me out, I can't take it. We all feel so helpless. I want to hug her right now but she is so fragile, thin & ill, I can't hug her. I told her that & she understood so I kissed her arm. I've been kissing her cheek a lot. And all I can say is how much I love her & she says "I know, I love you too".
Last night Tam, C... & I went to see "As Good As It Gets". It was a good film, but I cried a few times when thinking about mum especially when I thought how much she'd love to see that movie.
Mum is unable to keep down the little amount of food that she does eat.
This is all so scary, I'm scared. I'm chilled to the bone..
15th continued
Dad called Aunty Josephine, & I sat with him as he told her what's happening. I can't write it all but I cried soooo much & hyperventilated. I'm a mess. I've got to go to bed now.

Monday 16th March 1998:
All mum can do is drift in and out of sleep. She's light headed & can't seem to concentrate. Dr M.... came by this evening & told mum she has to go to hospital tomorrow to have an operation on her bile ducts through her mouth/throat etc down to her pancreas. It will unblock the bile ducts and stop the jaundice and nausea. She'll be in there till thursday (Tam's b'day is on wednesday).

Monday 23rd March 1998:
Mum went into hospital on saturday for today's operation on the bile ducts. we visited her tonight in ICU, she was all tubed up etc. It's sooo sad. I held her hand & we spoke to her. I love her so much and told her so. She's the best mum in the world. it aches my heart, I don't like seeing mum in pain.

Sunday 19th April 1998:
I talked with mum this arvo while she lay in bed. I told her I love her heaps and she said "I love you with all my heart"- it was beautiful. I don't want her to go but it is slowly happening. I can't take it. Soon she'll be unable to shower herself, go to the loo, maybe even feed herself. I don't want her to get like that. Sometimes I get soooo angry & sometimes I get sooo sad. It's unbelievable. Mum doesn't know what to eat & can't eat much. She's just skin and bone. I can't take it. She's so precious. Why? Why? What bastard is responsible, I could just torture them! Urrggggggghhhh!

Wednesday 22nd April 1998:
Every night without fail I have dreams about mum, death etc.. I guess they're more like nightmares. Mum always looks healthy in my dreams but the knowledge is still there that she is dying. It doesn't feel real.
Yesterday mum said "I'm scared". Oh God it gives me butterflies, nervous, scary.
I looked up on the 'net for life after death. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says without a shadow of a doubt there is life after death. She works with terminally ill patients & has spoken to 100's of people who have had a near death experience.
I hope with al my heart & soul that there is life after death. i want mum to be safe.

I have read a few entries to myself and decided I will keep those private. But this final one, this very important entry I will share. Tears are streaming down my face, my heart aches.

Sunday 24th May 1998:
How do I begin.. it has happened. Oh my God it has happened. Mum's spirit left her at 2.10pm. I crying. she's in heaven now. She is watching me write this. Tam & I were holding her hand as mum's eyes lost that spark, her sprirt was leaving. since early this morning we were by her side telling her how much we love and appreciate her and that she is safe. friday night we all slept in the living room in front of the tv. Last night mum slept in her own bed.
This whole thing feels strange. I've never seen a dead person before, but I'm not afraid, as her spirit in soaring in heaven- I Know It!!!! Oh my heart aches.
My heart raced when I saw her leave. i can't write anymore at the moment.

Reliving that was very hard. I think that will be the last time I will read that. 

Tomorrow, the anniversary of her passing I will celebrate her life. I will think about all the wonderful and amazing things that made up my mum. I will remember all the fantastic times I had with her. I can bawl my eyes out tonight and tomorrow i hope to wake with all the loving memories of my beautiful precious angel mum.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my posts tonight. Now go and hug your loved ones xxx