I have been challenged by two beautiful Blogger ladies Gemma @ My Big Nutshell and Jess @ Whoa Mamma! to do a "Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me". But I have a feeling some of you may already know what I'm vlogging about. But I didn't know what else to talk about at the moment. It is more of a vlog about why I haven't been blogging much of late.
Having a look at it again, I realise it is a mess of a vlog and doesn't really do anything but maybe bring back a bit of the old Blair Witch Project thing....
But oh well, it's me. It's my first vlog. I apologise in advance.
PS: I forgot to add that I thank those who have said I'm a great mum and it is quite a compliment to be called 'amazing'. But I can assure you I am far, far, far, far from amazing. Just because I have two children with special needs does not make me an exceptional person. But hopefully one day it will turn me into an exceptional person lol. Being a parent is hard no matter what and I take my hat off to all parents trying their best, because that's all you can do is try.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, 17 October 2011
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
R U OK?????
Today I am linking up with the amazing Gemma from My Big Nutshell for the Bloggers Collective for R U OK? Day intiative.
I haven't had a chance to write on my blog for a couple of weeks. I've been a bit run down and a little 'out of it'. But I knew I had to get my blogging energy back just for today as this is an important issue.
Recently a speech therapist from the CP Alliance came by for a home visit for my eldest son Liam. And after going through all the formalities of our goals for Liam, the speechy turned to me and asked "Are you ok? How are you coping?". I almost cried. I have been putting on a brave front for so long, as us Aussies usually do and this moment, a person asked me with sincerity how I am. Of course I am ok as compared to what I have felt in my past. But the fact someone took the time to ask me and was prepared to listen... well that made a huge difference.
When I posted about my eating disorder battles/depression, I had feed back from friends who knew me from 'back in the day' and they had said "I knew something was up. I would've said something if it was the me of today". Yes indeed, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Luckily I didn't tip over the edge of that precipice and I am here today to talk about it. But as a society we need to know how important it is to ask these three words: R U OK? And not just to those who we can see going through a self destructive streak. It could be anyone. Anyone with a smile on their face and jovial words passing their lips could be in need of an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
And when you do ask... really mean it. Be ready to listen. It's not a conversation to offer solutions. It will be a conversation to offer a non-judgemental ear and a huge bear hug.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Taboo.. going from Still birth to Suicide
So in my page on the loss of my baby Dylan I wanted to take away the 'Taboo'ness of the subject of losing a baby. Tonight I want to take away the 'Taboo'ness on the subject of suicide.
Suicide is a very, very tough subject. But I think it needs to be talked about, openly. I know a number of people who have been touched by it. I have never been close enough to know it's full impact and I guess you would never know unless a very close loved one has committed suicide.
My pop who died of pneumonia before I was even born, had attempted suicide when he was in his forties. He ended up in an institution for the rest of his life after his failed suicide attempt. I wish my mum was alive today to tell me more about it. How it affected her. What was he like. Did she know what the particular reasons were. All I know is that he suffered from depression. And that he was a talented artist.
The good thing is, that times have changed... depression is no longer seen as something that needs to be hidden and locked away. Although it may be difficult for those who have never experienced or been touched by it, to understand. But in this day and age it seems to have touched everyone in some way. Or is it that we are able to talk about it now, that more people are coming forward with their stories? Whichever the case, it is not going away and so many people need help and understanding. Not judgement. Judgement is the last thing they need.
When I was young I had a few 'moments'. These 'moments' could've ended my life. Thank God that I never went through with it. I would never know all this amazing stuff that's happening in the world. I would never have had Liam, Jack or Evangeline. I don't know what stopped me, or made me come to my senses, but I'm glad I did realise it was not the answer.
Two of my friends had said today that it 'takes guts' to go through with it. And yes, I guess you could put it that way. But it takes a mind that needs help, major help, to get to that point. To get to the point that this seems to be the ONLY solution. When it is NOT the ONLY solution.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we as a society need to be more open, and waaaay less judgemental. I know it's very much a Utopian view. But any dream is a possible reality. We just have to work towards it.
I haven't even touched on half the topic and what needs to be covered. But I think I will leave it here at the moment. It's pretty heavy going for a friday night.
And if you are interested in the impact that suicide has on loved ones I highly recommend reading blogger Lori's journey.
Suicide is a very, very tough subject. But I think it needs to be talked about, openly. I know a number of people who have been touched by it. I have never been close enough to know it's full impact and I guess you would never know unless a very close loved one has committed suicide.
My pop who died of pneumonia before I was even born, had attempted suicide when he was in his forties. He ended up in an institution for the rest of his life after his failed suicide attempt. I wish my mum was alive today to tell me more about it. How it affected her. What was he like. Did she know what the particular reasons were. All I know is that he suffered from depression. And that he was a talented artist.
The good thing is, that times have changed... depression is no longer seen as something that needs to be hidden and locked away. Although it may be difficult for those who have never experienced or been touched by it, to understand. But in this day and age it seems to have touched everyone in some way. Or is it that we are able to talk about it now, that more people are coming forward with their stories? Whichever the case, it is not going away and so many people need help and understanding. Not judgement. Judgement is the last thing they need.
When I was young I had a few 'moments'. These 'moments' could've ended my life. Thank God that I never went through with it. I would never know all this amazing stuff that's happening in the world. I would never have had Liam, Jack or Evangeline. I don't know what stopped me, or made me come to my senses, but I'm glad I did realise it was not the answer.
Two of my friends had said today that it 'takes guts' to go through with it. And yes, I guess you could put it that way. But it takes a mind that needs help, major help, to get to that point. To get to the point that this seems to be the ONLY solution. When it is NOT the ONLY solution.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we as a society need to be more open, and waaaay less judgemental. I know it's very much a Utopian view. But any dream is a possible reality. We just have to work towards it.
I haven't even touched on half the topic and what needs to be covered. But I think I will leave it here at the moment. It's pretty heavy going for a friday night.
And if you are interested in the impact that suicide has on loved ones I highly recommend reading blogger Lori's journey.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Anxiety and panic...
It comes and goes in waves. I could go weeks without any form of anxiety or panic, then BAM! I start to worry about something such as an ache or pain, turning it into something more sinister in my mind. Then it takes over my entire being and I end up a wreck.
The last 2 days have been focussed on my fear of a heart attack. To some that may sound far fetched: a 31 year old woman at risk of cardiac arrest? no way. But unfortunately it is yes way. I have type 1 diabetes and it is a fact that heart disease is one of the many complications that can affect a diabetic. And the scary truth that cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in people with diabetes is starting to hit me bad at the moment. I am scared s***less about this. I have no idea why I have all of a sudden focussed on this. Which makes me wonder if it's intuition and it's something I need to follow up on or whether I am just letting my neurotic crazy head get the better of me. Either way I have become proactive about it and am getting all the necessary blood tests done and an ecg.
I have a feeling my worry is born from being a mother. I would not have thought of these worries 10 years ago. I need to be 100% healthy for my children's sake. They need their mum to be able to care for them, and not just in that generic way. I have Liam who literally needs me for everything. EVERYTHING. It would be selfish of me not to be selfish lol. That is how I have to look at it. I have to put my diabetes management first so I can put my children's needs next. If I don't then I won't be able to do ANYTHING for my children. This is hard as a parent, because we naturally want to put our children first and everything else follows. I am going to have to re-evaluate this...
The last 2 days have been focussed on my fear of a heart attack. To some that may sound far fetched: a 31 year old woman at risk of cardiac arrest? no way. But unfortunately it is yes way. I have type 1 diabetes and it is a fact that heart disease is one of the many complications that can affect a diabetic. And the scary truth that cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in people with diabetes is starting to hit me bad at the moment. I am scared s***less about this. I have no idea why I have all of a sudden focussed on this. Which makes me wonder if it's intuition and it's something I need to follow up on or whether I am just letting my neurotic crazy head get the better of me. Either way I have become proactive about it and am getting all the necessary blood tests done and an ecg.
I have a feeling my worry is born from being a mother. I would not have thought of these worries 10 years ago. I need to be 100% healthy for my children's sake. They need their mum to be able to care for them, and not just in that generic way. I have Liam who literally needs me for everything. EVERYTHING. It would be selfish of me not to be selfish lol. That is how I have to look at it. I have to put my diabetes management first so I can put my children's needs next. If I don't then I won't be able to do ANYTHING for my children. This is hard as a parent, because we naturally want to put our children first and everything else follows. I am going to have to re-evaluate this...
This is also applicable to my mental health. I need to be gentle on myself. This seems to be another aspect parents find difficult. Us parents tend to push our mental health needs to the side and hope it will all be ok. But that doesn't serve our children well. We need to be stable for our children to feel stable. At the moment I am not seeing any professionals for this. In some way I would like to, but then I think about the bad experiences I have had in the past with counsellors (how some had made me feel worse!) and I decide against it. Instead I choose to speak about it with my husband or a friend. This is an important step for anybody with mental health issues to do and one in which fellow blogger Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mum is very adament about. So please if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, fear, panic, deep worry... SPEAK. Words outloud are in a safer place than words stuck in your head, that can swirl and whirl, fester and feed on further fear and darkness.
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Good friends... of the opposite sex...
I have a very good friend, that I'm close to of the opposite sex, and it's not my husband (although my husband is my BESTEST friend) and I trust him with my life. I have known 'J' for over 10 years and he is like a brother to me, so much so I feel comfortable enough to whinge at him, yell at him, tell him how he infuriates me and then we laugh and it's all good again. We are proof that you can be friends with the opposite sex and there is nothing 'going on'.
The funny thing is that on this discovery of my son Jack's 'Autism' I have been researching every ASD, and that includes the very hard to diagnose 'Aspergers Syndrome'. Now I did in the past joke about my friend 'J' having AS, but now that I have read extensively on it I can pretty much diagnose him with it (he ticks ALL the boxes and he even agrees with me on this). It explains so much about him and it makes those things that use to infuriate me about him become much less infuriating. 'J' only has 2 good friends, me and a mutual friend 'V'. All our old mutual friends ask me when I bump into them: "What happened to J? I don't hear from him anymore" and I never really knew how to respond other than he's a bit of a hermit and likes it that way. But he always was the Black Sheep.... I guess it wasn't until I came along that somebody 'got him'.
And I guess that's why we clicked... I think of myself as a bit of a Black Sheep. I'm a little left field but in a different way to J. He has always been 'monotone' whereas I have always been 'colourful', he is level headed, whereas I am very hot headed, we basically balance eachother out. But at the sametime we are very much alike, we both deal with depression and back in the day we were big 'party animals'... we would spend our whole week organising our weekend. And our weekends would be huge. I seriously don't know how we did it! But I know why we did it... we were depressed in our lives. We were lost and were trying to find meaning.
I did find meaning when I met my husband, but I never left J behind. A lot of people tend to drop their friends when they're no longer single. I wasn't going to do that to J. He is part of our family.
The true meaning of a good friend or best friend: they never bail on you, no matter what the circumstance. I feel so lucky to have J and he comes through everytime. I have a vivid memory of when I was in labour with my baby Dylan who I knew wasn't going to live (I was 20 weeks along) and my husband was asleep in the chair beside me at the hospital (he was exhausted as he does long days at work). I was high on pethidine and I felt so alone. I thought J would find the somewhat funny side of me calling him up at 1am high as a kite going through labour. He answered and chatted with me for an hour. Now that is a friend for life!
I am very lucky to have a number of amazing males in my life: my husband, my dad, my J and my 2 beautiful special boys Liam and Jack.
Oh and moral to this post is... find yourself a male friend with Aspergers and you have a friend for life *insert winky face*
The funny thing is that on this discovery of my son Jack's 'Autism' I have been researching every ASD, and that includes the very hard to diagnose 'Aspergers Syndrome'. Now I did in the past joke about my friend 'J' having AS, but now that I have read extensively on it I can pretty much diagnose him with it (he ticks ALL the boxes and he even agrees with me on this). It explains so much about him and it makes those things that use to infuriate me about him become much less infuriating. 'J' only has 2 good friends, me and a mutual friend 'V'. All our old mutual friends ask me when I bump into them: "What happened to J? I don't hear from him anymore" and I never really knew how to respond other than he's a bit of a hermit and likes it that way. But he always was the Black Sheep.... I guess it wasn't until I came along that somebody 'got him'.
And I guess that's why we clicked... I think of myself as a bit of a Black Sheep. I'm a little left field but in a different way to J. He has always been 'monotone' whereas I have always been 'colourful', he is level headed, whereas I am very hot headed, we basically balance eachother out. But at the sametime we are very much alike, we both deal with depression and back in the day we were big 'party animals'... we would spend our whole week organising our weekend. And our weekends would be huge. I seriously don't know how we did it! But I know why we did it... we were depressed in our lives. We were lost and were trying to find meaning.
I did find meaning when I met my husband, but I never left J behind. A lot of people tend to drop their friends when they're no longer single. I wasn't going to do that to J. He is part of our family.
The true meaning of a good friend or best friend: they never bail on you, no matter what the circumstance. I feel so lucky to have J and he comes through everytime. I have a vivid memory of when I was in labour with my baby Dylan who I knew wasn't going to live (I was 20 weeks along) and my husband was asleep in the chair beside me at the hospital (he was exhausted as he does long days at work). I was high on pethidine and I felt so alone. I thought J would find the somewhat funny side of me calling him up at 1am high as a kite going through labour. He answered and chatted with me for an hour. Now that is a friend for life!
I am very lucky to have a number of amazing males in my life: my husband, my dad, my J and my 2 beautiful special boys Liam and Jack.
Oh and moral to this post is... find yourself a male friend with Aspergers and you have a friend for life *insert winky face*
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Foggy in the head...
When I have bouts of depression I get, what I call "foggy in the head". I can't think straight, I get easily confused, my memory suffers and I become forgetful. I also become worried about 'nothing in particular'. I get panicky and anxious. And for the life of me I do not know why!
The funny thing is I am actually happy at the same time... Happy that I have a loving and supportive husband, three amazing children and we have a roof over our heads. I am filled with gratitude for all the positive and wonderful things in my life. Yet I can still have times where I just feel 'hopeless' and fearful, and I can't put my finger on what it is I'm scared about. I certainly don't want to die, but there are times where living is just so tiring and the thought of sleeping for a few months or years sounds kinda nice. Not having to think or feel for a little while, now that would be a little slice of heaven.
People may argue that the things I have experienced in my life would certainly be the cause of these feelings, but I really doubt that. I had the "foggy in the head" times when I was a teenager too. Before my mum passed away. Before my diabetes was diagnosed. So it is not something entirely connected to my situation and experiences. Although certain events have not helped me in that aspect. I even had to go on Anti-Depressants after Jack's Open Heart Surgery. I dealt with Jack's heart defect diagnosis quite well, and the surgery I was terrified but I got through it. What got me was about a month later I just started thinking "what next?" What else will one of us get? Or be diagnosed with? I became paranoid about every ache, pain, discomfort. I was afraid I had breast cancer and I would check everyday. I checked every mole on my body worrying about melanoma. I was a wreck and I thought that I was meant to be tip top because Jack's heart was fixed!. I decided I couldn't function like that and went on the meds. What got me off the meds was that I became pregnant with Evangeline.
I have nothing against anti-depressants and I'm all for taking them if they're your only hope. But I really don't want to take them myself and I have been able to deal with depression through healthy eating, exercise and positive thinking. But at the moment I am doing the healthy eating and exercising and even positive thinking, yet I am coming over with that bloody "foggy in the head" feeling, that heavy heart, that "I want to sleep for a year". Maybe it's just a little glitch in my mind right now and next week I will be ok.
The one thing that I hope my children never inherit from me is Depression. I say inherit because I do believe it is genetic. My mum suffered from it and her dad suffered from it. Yet I fear this hope is futile as the amount of people I know who suffer or who have suffered from depression is quite large, and is always on the rise. Why is this???
The funny thing is I am actually happy at the same time... Happy that I have a loving and supportive husband, three amazing children and we have a roof over our heads. I am filled with gratitude for all the positive and wonderful things in my life. Yet I can still have times where I just feel 'hopeless' and fearful, and I can't put my finger on what it is I'm scared about. I certainly don't want to die, but there are times where living is just so tiring and the thought of sleeping for a few months or years sounds kinda nice. Not having to think or feel for a little while, now that would be a little slice of heaven.
People may argue that the things I have experienced in my life would certainly be the cause of these feelings, but I really doubt that. I had the "foggy in the head" times when I was a teenager too. Before my mum passed away. Before my diabetes was diagnosed. So it is not something entirely connected to my situation and experiences. Although certain events have not helped me in that aspect. I even had to go on Anti-Depressants after Jack's Open Heart Surgery. I dealt with Jack's heart defect diagnosis quite well, and the surgery I was terrified but I got through it. What got me was about a month later I just started thinking "what next?" What else will one of us get? Or be diagnosed with? I became paranoid about every ache, pain, discomfort. I was afraid I had breast cancer and I would check everyday. I checked every mole on my body worrying about melanoma. I was a wreck and I thought that I was meant to be tip top because Jack's heart was fixed!. I decided I couldn't function like that and went on the meds. What got me off the meds was that I became pregnant with Evangeline.
I have nothing against anti-depressants and I'm all for taking them if they're your only hope. But I really don't want to take them myself and I have been able to deal with depression through healthy eating, exercise and positive thinking. But at the moment I am doing the healthy eating and exercising and even positive thinking, yet I am coming over with that bloody "foggy in the head" feeling, that heavy heart, that "I want to sleep for a year". Maybe it's just a little glitch in my mind right now and next week I will be ok.
The one thing that I hope my children never inherit from me is Depression. I say inherit because I do believe it is genetic. My mum suffered from it and her dad suffered from it. Yet I fear this hope is futile as the amount of people I know who suffer or who have suffered from depression is quite large, and is always on the rise. Why is this???
Saturday, 14 May 2011
The Brain..
What an amazing thing the brain is..
The fact that we know so little about it and what power it holds.
I often think about Liam's brain and how it has been damaged and how that effects him and his life. But also what we can do to change that. I've read up on intensive therapy and Hyper Baric Oxygen Therapy and every kind of therapy. It's amazing how the brain can actually change, it is not fixed. But I have also weighed up the use of intensive therapy in a person's life and the quality of that life. Do i really want to push Liam to the limit? Take away the fun of his everyday existence. Ok I can see this will be a scatterbrain post as I want to talk both about the complexity of the brain as well as therapy and it's effects on the person and their family.
I think this post is leaning now towards therapy versus everyday living. I would like to think I have struck a balance with Liam. We try to incorporate therapy where we can but I would say the joy of living is of the utmost importance in our house. Liam is a happy soul and I don't want to push him to the point of no longer being that happy soul. People may argue I am not leading him to his full potential. But what is that? It seems those who are able to 'reach their potential' end up being bitter and disillusioned anyway. Depression is so common these days that I worry if my children were to be 'normal' they may suffer from depression. Is that a silly thought? I don't know.
I've also had a few wines, so this post may get deleted in the morning hahahaha. But at the moment it totally makes sense and is relevant...
The fact that we know so little about it and what power it holds.
I often think about Liam's brain and how it has been damaged and how that effects him and his life. But also what we can do to change that. I've read up on intensive therapy and Hyper Baric Oxygen Therapy and every kind of therapy. It's amazing how the brain can actually change, it is not fixed. But I have also weighed up the use of intensive therapy in a person's life and the quality of that life. Do i really want to push Liam to the limit? Take away the fun of his everyday existence. Ok I can see this will be a scatterbrain post as I want to talk both about the complexity of the brain as well as therapy and it's effects on the person and their family.
I think this post is leaning now towards therapy versus everyday living. I would like to think I have struck a balance with Liam. We try to incorporate therapy where we can but I would say the joy of living is of the utmost importance in our house. Liam is a happy soul and I don't want to push him to the point of no longer being that happy soul. People may argue I am not leading him to his full potential. But what is that? It seems those who are able to 'reach their potential' end up being bitter and disillusioned anyway. Depression is so common these days that I worry if my children were to be 'normal' they may suffer from depression. Is that a silly thought? I don't know.
I've also had a few wines, so this post may get deleted in the morning hahahaha. But at the moment it totally makes sense and is relevant...
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