Not just words....

There are very few things I regret in my life.

But these words I spoke to my mum are the most regretful thing I have ever said:

 "Mum, I've been reading this book. It's about life after death. They are so sure there is something after, you are going to be ok"

The look on my mum's face when those words left my lips... that moment... I just so wish I could take those words back. You see my mum was terminally ill with Pancreatic Cancer . And I was an 18 year old with idealistic thoughts of how the world works and I had very little life experience to have the right form of empathy.

I was selfish in terms of needing to know that my mum was going to a better place, for my own peace of mind, instead of just being there for her, giving her the most immense love and distraction that she needed. The 'me' of today would've dealt with this so very differently. But I was the 'me' of 1998. I was still a teenager. I was experimenting with who I thought I was. And I was wading through all the murkiness of a situation that was far from 'normal'.

I fought my mum's death sentence with a search of eternal life. To find out whether there was in fact an afterlife. I wasn't entirely thinking about her thoughts, her feelings.  

The moment she was diagnosed, nobody dare utter the words 'death', 'heaven', 'terminal' and so on.

If a movie came on the t.v  that alluded to death or the afterlife, the channel was changed.

We never spoke of the inevitable. Until..

Yes that f***ing moment I opened my big, fat, idealistic, teenage mouth.

I haven't changed my opinion of life after death. I actually still agree with my 18 year old self. But knowing my mum's fear of death, I dearly wish I could change that one moment in my life.

I scared her. I shook her to the bone with my words. They may be 'just words' to some. But they abused and bruised my mum. She was in fits of tears.

I heard her crying uncontrollably to my dad when I had left the room:

'She is trying to scare me.. Talking about death.. Why, why?' 

Hearing her sobs. Hearing her talk about me like I was trying to hurt her, instill fear in her... It cuts me to the core, to my very being. I thought I was going to help her and instead I brought every darkened jagged terror to the forefront of her fragile mind. Every thought that she'd fought against, I just torpedoed straight into her consciousness.

I repent to this very day.

My mum wanted to hold on to every last shred of hope. And I just f***ing plucked that last remaining thread and flung it at her face.

I don't regret my search for 'life after death' and Elisabeth Kubler Ross was a comforting read.

But if I just played along with the charade of invincibility.... That moment would never have happened... My mum would've felt like she could live forever. She wouldn't have been suffocated by fear and horrror.

So there you have it.

This is the one thing that haunts me to this day.

These are the only words I wish I had never uttered.

I just wanted her to feel safe.

And on her last day, I said...

'You are safe mum. You are surrounded by love. I love you. Everything is going to be ok'

Those words I never regret.

'..everything is going to be ok'

Those are the best words ever.

I have heard those words many times.

They are true.

Everything is going to be ok. Not 'fabulous', not 'crap'. Just 'ok' and that is ok by me.


I am sharing this post with awesome company on Where's My Glow's:

"Back in the day..."

Things were done differently "back in the day..".
There was no internet. No Facebook. No Google.
McDonalds was not in every single suburb (and nowadays there's more than one in each!).
And I remember all the stuff my mum did... and I can see how different we do things. Which leads me to feel that 'mother guilt'.
I know, I know, I shouldn't compare myself with anyone else. But because it's your mother that you are 'comparing' yourself with it doesn't seem like an actual comparison... maybe I think it seems more of a 'reflection' with missing elements and some extra bits thrown in.
I am not a MasterChef like my mum was. I'm more of a 'tear it open' or 'dial it up' kind of cook.

I am not a dressmaker extraordinaire a la my mum. She even sewed my underwear!! I can't even repair a rip with some stitches.
My mum never put us in daycare and we only did a bit of preschool. Today I enrolled Evangeline in Daycare... but there is good reason. I want to spend an entire day, one on one with Jack. This will cost me $75, but the time spent with Jack doing intensive therapy will be priceless. 
Then I realised I am not a MasterChef because I do not have the time , well not the way I prioritise lol (yikes I lol'd sorry...). Maybe in a few years I will. But for now you will not see one recipe on my blog *shock horror* - a 'mummy blog with no recipes or tips on craft, sewing etc' *gasp*. But I'm sure I am not alone. There'd have to be quite a few mums/housewives/partners out there who are just not "Suzy Homemaker". And that is more than ok *insert winky face*.

I don't remember being baby sat as a kid. I think it happened very rarely. My mum truly never had a break from my sister and I.. well not until school started. This is another thing I've had to grapple with, especially after yesterday at Jack's assessment when the paediatrician said to accept all help, especially respite. I have to realise that it is a necessity for me to have respite. Just because my mum never left my side, doesn't mean I have to do the same with my children. But I have to convince myself of that. I sometimes wish my mum had handed us over to other people to look after on a regular occasion. Maybe I would be less anxious in social situations, and more independant... Who knows. All I know is, if there is a mum out there questioning herself for 'taking a break' and 'pampering herself'... PLEASE DO NOT QUESTION YOURSELF! All mums deserve a break (and stay at home dad's, mustn't forget them!!) and I think it helps in getting yourself re-energised and most importantly being YOU! Not just you as 'mum' or you as 'wife' or you as 'partner'... but YOU as 'YOU'. Rediscover who you are as an individual.
The one thing I know I have/had in common with my mum... The love I have for my children knows no bounds. Everyday there is love. Even through our upset and our angry moments, love is the key factor behind it all. 

"Back in the day.." there was love. Today there is love. Tomorrow and for eternity there is love. Some thing's never change over the ages....... We just need to remind ourselves that our choices, the things we do, the way we do them, are always through love. Or at least should be.
As long as there is love in the house, we should try not beat ourselves up over the small things. Mother Guilt can have it's place, but like anger, it should be a very small place.

Life in pictures...

I love photographs. I love looking at other people's photos, I love looking at my own and I love sharing them. Photos can be both very revealing as well as very deceiving.
I thought that I would do a post of parts of my life in pictures today. Just to give you a glimpse into my world. Sometimes photographs can say so much more than words.

My mum when she was pregnant with me, 1979

Mum and I about 6 or 7 months prior to her passing, 1997

My university graduation with my Knight in Shining Armour (the next day I proposed to him) 2004.

My first child, Liam, when he was 2 days old. 2005

Our wedding day. Liam was a lucky little boy to be witness to our official nuptials. 2006

Liam's 1st Birthday. 2006

A flower from one of the many beautiful bunches we received after losing Dylan. 2008

Our 'early bird' Jack (born at 35 weeks gestation) when he was 3 days old. 2009

Jack after his Open Heart Surgery. 2009

The Christmas gift that keeps on giving... my two favourite boys, Jack & Liam. 2009

PINK!! I finally got my little girl, Evangeline. 2010

Well there you have a bit of my life in a nutshell in photos... It doesn't scratch the surface really.

As I blog on I will try to add images that are important/relevant to what I am writing about. 

I also would like to share my love of taking photographs and show you all my artsy fartsy side.
I urge you to take some "relax" time looking back at old photographs you have, of your self, of your family, friends and so on. It will definately bring back a huge blog of memories you can write in your head.

These WERE a few of my favourite things..

I thought I would dedicate tonight's post to some of the things I loved about my mum and the era when she was alive. I had my tears last night, and today I had a wonderful time enjoying my children as my mum would've wanted me to. And so to end a lovely day I thought I would think of all those things that make me smile when I think back to my time with my mum...

• she loved watching me be a 'drama queen' and a 'disco diva'. I can still see that proud look she would give me as I pranced around thinking I was a superstar. She believed in me and my dreams.
• her hugs were the bomb diggity, in other words they were the best things ever and nobody hugged me like my mum did. I loved snuggling into her neck and feeling so safe.
• she had a wicked laugh! And now I realise I've definately inherited it. Got to love those dirty, wicked laughs.
• I thought it was awesome that she could never give 'the finger' properly, she'd always muddle it up, wanting to give 'the forks', then it'd just end up being the pinkie, which in this day and age can be an insult too. So she was way ahead of her time.
• She was a Masterchef. I always looked forward to dinner time and she never disappointed.
• she listened to everything I had to say and took a real interest, not feigned.
• Her passion for sewing was incredible. She made everything in our wardrobe and I mean EVERYTHING! Underpants included and once she showed off her handy work whilst I was wearing them, yes indeed she lifted up my skirt and showed some friends how well she made undies. I was mortified at the time, but now I get the best memory giggle from that incident.
• She was uber protective of me. I swear if she could've gone upto someone who had upset me, deck them and get away with it she probably would have. 
• Christmas day she would make us wait until about 10am before we could open our presents. I thought it was sucky at 6am, but by the time we were opening the present it made it so much more sweeter to still be opening them when most kids were over the whole thing. I especially appreciate it now and will do the same to my kids. 
•  My mum loved watching "The Bill" and so we all sat down to watch this Brit police show on a saturday night whilst inhaling a block of Dairy Milk Chocolate or Caramello. actually she made us watch all the 'pommy' shows that were on TV. I guess she missed her homeland sometimes...
• Every night without fail we would say to eachother "Have a wonderful dream, and a wonderful sleep, I love you and I'll see you in the morning"... we made sure that was on her gravestone.

Well those are just a small number of the things I cherished about my mum.
I love that instead of dwelling on the pain, the loss and the sadness; it is much rewarding to think about all the beautiful things surrounding her memory. Instead of thinking of what I don't have, I can consider myself lucky for what I got to experience with my mum as I was growing up.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

..Dear Diary...

I decided that today I would share a few extracts from one of my diaries. But there is a reason for my choice in which diary and what dates. You see tomorrow is the 24th of May, and it will mark the 13th anniversary of my mum's passing. So I have chosen the diary from when I was in my late teens. I haven't opened it for awhile and it will probably be quite confronting for me and possibly for others. But I think it may help deal with all those emotions and thoughts that come up at this time every year.
So here we go...
Saturday 21st February 1998:
Mum got her results from the tests she had on Thurs, it said the liver & kidneys were fine but the pancreas has an enlargement at the head & points to carcinoma. We freaked & called Dr T..., so mum & Tam drove to C....... at 6pm to get Dr T... to explain the results.
I called dad who had met up with them in C..... He wouldn't tell me anything on the phone, so when Tam called (came home seperately) I asked her to tell me what's going on. Dr T... said we have to treat/view it as cancer of the pancreas at the moment & hopefully prove it wrong. Mum's going for some more tests on Monday- CT scan and chest X-ray. I was fully shocked.
When Ma and Pa {this is what I called my parents sometimes) & Tam came home I found out if it is Cancer of the Pancreas & it hasn't spread yet they have to take out the pancreas & mum will be on enzymes for the rest of her life or if it has spread (namely to her lungs) she will die. I can't believe it! I feel sooo bad for mum, poor thing is sooooo afraid and upset. I love her sooooo much and would lose my mind if she dies.

Well that was hard to type. I'm shaking a little. I totally forgot about that. I didn't know that was the exact date she got her diagnosis.

Monday 23rd February 1998:
Mum went for the CT scan today & the result was that she has Cancer of the Pancreas, but it hasn't spread to any other organs. So they have to remove the pancreas & give chemo to mum. I guess it's better than her dying but I'd be shitting bricks if I had to have an organ removed. I love her soooooo much. I hope she's not too scared and that everything goes well.

Once again I totally forgot about this. The hope.

Sunday 8th March 1998:
We've been visiting mum everyday, she thinks this is the end. i try & tell her it isn't. Mum is on morphine (but it doesn't entirely work). On Fri I stayed the whole day with mum, except she had a special test at 2pm (which went for 3 hours). She had to be taken to the Nuclear Medicine section & injected with a special dye, so i couldn't stay with her. So I walked to westfields & spoke to Mrs M... on the mobile phone.
Yesterday Dad, Tam, C.. & I went to C.... to do shopping & buy mum a few nighties. Mrs M... gave us a dinner to keep in the fridge till we need it, she also gave a present to mum > a tiny teddy bear named 'Precious'. I gave Mrs M... a hug & thanked her for her help.
People have said they've been praying for her,I have prayed also but feel praying will do no good.
On Monday we'll find out what's happening with mum.
There's a girl in the ward named Janelle who's 16 years old and has Acute Leukemia (a fast occuring thing, pretty fatal). she was crying on monday night & has had a lot of visitors (high school friends and teachers). It is sooooo sad. It's such a depressing ward > ill people, vomit noises etc etc. Janelle had pretty below the shoulder length hair when I first saw her on monday but yesterday I saw her with a short boys hair cut looking much more ill.
Mum's looking soooo skinny/bony, like she's fading away. Tam is breaking & so is dad. I reckon I'm just in shock, acting strange and having weird dreams, yesterdays dream had the theme of death (with a written description of what happens in the last few mins of dying).

Tuesday 10th March 1998:
Yesterday evening Tam & I drove to L... Hospital. Mum told us how the P.E.T scan went. There are some 'warm spots' in the liver & near the collar bone, doesn't look hopeful & mum has to have another ultrasound. We (Ma, Pa, Tam & I) went outside, I hugged mum as we both became tearful. Mum's shaking in fear. it hurts to see her like this. I don't think it's fully hit me yet.
Tam & I had a little catfight over nothing cos we're both vented up with anger. but both apologised.
This is like some awful nightmare.

Night mare indeed. It is painful to read and I just want to go back and do something more helpful for my mum. I feel I should've hugged her more at that time. I shouldn't have left her side, ever.

Wednesday 11th March 1998:
Found out that they can't operate, the cancer is in another place as well. Mum's starting chemo tonight. There's a 1 in 5 chance of it working & mum living.  It's so shocking, I can't believe it! she was meant to live until over 70, see me grow into a woman, get a job, get married & have kids. Argggggh. I cried for 10 minutes straight just thinking about it all. This fucking sux! There's like a death sentence on her. She's the best mum in the world. I love her soooo much!

Thursday 12th March 1998:
I just finished watching 'Oprah' & it was about keeping a gratitude journal, how it helps you appreciate the day, fulfills your life, makes you positive, instead of focussing on the bad. I will try to do the same here, focus on the things I'm grateful for but also what happens in the day or week (neg or pos). Oprah used to keep a diary from 15 years old onwards, but it was filled with negative things, but for about 2 years now she has kept a gratitude journal which contains 5 things you are grateful for in the day. So here goes...
1. I got to be educated today, went to school
2. I really enjoyed breakfast
3. I actually enjoyed cleaning the house, purifying experience
4. Mum came home, i'm glad to have her
5. Thanks for microwaves. i made dinner of deb potato & peas

Ok so I need a break for a bit. I will post this and go have a shower. Thank you for reading this far. It is a journey so inexplicable, but I hope to have helped someone, even if it's myself, in sharing this.