Tuesday, 7 February 2012

I got pampered... or did I?

For Christmas my hubby my children got me a massage voucher at a Day Spa.

I was filled with both happy gratitude and "oh fu** this could be painful". I say painful because I have indeed experienced some very painful massages, from both here in Australia and in Thailand. I am not sure whether I am just a big wuss. Or they actually just go 'hard' on me.... *titter titter*.

Anyways back on topic.
I booked in the massage for a morning that was completely free. Yes they exist. Sometimes.
And I rocked up both excited and a bit nervous.
The usual Enya type music was playing when I walked in.
The scent of 'who knows what' but it definately smelt like a day spa. Essential oils and all that.
I was ushered into a darkened room with candles burning and a massage table with my name on it... ok not literally but you get what I mean.
I was told to strip off (ok not in those words but that was how I perceived it). They left the room while I disrobed. Then came back in as I lay face down ready to be pummeled massaged.
So I don't know how y'all go when you get 'pampered'/ massaged... but I'm a thinker. I cannot bloody switch off! Here I am getting what others dream of only to think about all the details that clog up my foggy mind. Then I start to do an inner monolgue of the actual massage itself...

"Ok, ok, that's hectic pressure you're using right there"
"Oh yes, yes that feels sooo good"
"Hmmm this isn't so bad"
"Wow this is feeling great!"
"Ouch, ouch, fu**! That hurts!"
"Woah lady you're getting mighty close to my butt crack!"

And that last quote kept coming at me a couple of times.
Very close to my butt crack I tell ya!

I was saying to myself "You are so relaxed right now. You are!"

75 minutes of 'pure bliss' and I spent it with the inner monologue of Woody Allen!

Am I the only one who doesn't get the full affect of the 'Day Spa' experience????
I mean I do and if hubby is reading this, I do I do get the experience!!! But I'm just unable to fully relax. Like comatose relax... Maybe it's just me....

Anyways, I really do enjoy the 'Day Spa' experience.. but maybe I just need a week of it to adjust to 'switching off'. *Insert winky and very much hinting face*

P.S: I really did enjoy the pampering. But damn that inner freaking monologue! Anybody know how to switch that off???!??

Thursday, 2 February 2012

This post may make no sense at all, but heck I thought it may change the world... lol...

Ok so I've been mega quiet on my blog lately...

There are several reasons for this...

But do I want to bore you with the details??? Hmmmmm.

Yep I do!

As you all know I am a nut bag. Crazy in the head. Completely loco. But well happy, as well as well depressed. Yep I'm a little f***ed up. But aren't we all??!?!??

I am very happy and content with my life.

My head on the other hand could totally have a lobotomy.

My depression funnily enough is not riding solely on my crazy situation in this life. A lot of it is chemical. Or something like that. My brain does funny things to me. Makes dark clouds hang listlessly about my head, whether the sun shines and my children talk.

I am a positive person. I am. I'm optimistic. But that doesn't stop my mind f***ing with me.

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"What the f***?!?"

Yep that's me. Thinking about cancer. A lot.

Lump in throat?


Sore boob?


It's the one thing that we all could have.
Very hard to 'prevent'.
Children die of it. They did nothing. They didn't smoke or eat junk or sunbake.

It just happens.

That's why I'm scared the f*** of it.

Probably doesn't help that my mum died from it. And that one of my best friend's have suffered from it. That so many people are affected by it!

Anyways, after months and months of self torture a friend of mine made me see the GP. The Eve of Christmas Eve I rocked up to the Dr and told him of my depression and anxiety. He prescribed anitdepressants and valium and a psychologist.

I reluctantly started on the meds, but thank God I did! I had hit rock bottom. Crying so hard, my eye balls ached.

Christmas Day rolled by. A little hazy. But my husband surprised me with a gift he has no idea makes my heart sing. He bought me a Digital SLR camera. Since that day I have been photographing like a demon!!.  I mean my children and my husband make me beyond happy. But faaarrr out! Photography takes me somewhere else!!!!
Ok so the black clouds still hang about, but I have my highs from my children and my hubby and my photography.

So there you have it. I've been attached to the camera and removed myself from the writing that had helped me last year. I hope to be able to do both this year. I also hope to be able to help others who feel as f***ed up as me *insert winky face*. There are awesome days out there. A lot of them actually!!! We just need to shine the spotlight on them and take a picture.