oh God...

They say not to discuss religion, politics or sex with friends. And it's true that it can cause great debate and sometimes end friendships. But tonight I can't help myself. I want to talk about God.
I am not religious per se, in fact I don't have a denomination, but I do believe in God. It's funny because my husband doesn't, yet we are married, in love and agree on so many other topics, so I don't see a problem with our differing views on God. I respect my husband's beliefs and I never push mine onto him. As I would never do to anyone.
People's relationships with God can change over time and I have seen people rocked by experiences and situations where they question God, or even God's existence. But in my case those times that are tough, that are scary, that are sad, I find myself asking God for help and not shunning God for what is happening. I realise God is most likely watching, waiting for me to make my epiphany. I am learning from all these experiences and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to brave them and rise above them.
I have heard people ask "Why would God do this?", "Why would God have this person die like this?" or "If God really exists, why would he hurt the good people?". Well the truth is... we all get hurt. If we didn't we wouldn't know pleasure, happiness and joy. Life would be the biggest plod along, numb journey. And the most obvious thing is... Death wouldn't exist if there were no life. Decay is just another part of the living condition. EVERYTHING decays. Yes a lot of it seems unfair... but who said life was meant to be fair?? There is no fair, no just. Some people are given many challenges in their life and others just roll on with a few hiccups. That's the way it is. No rhyme or reason. I was having a chat with my friend K and we were likening  the things that have happened in our lives as cards in a card game. Everyone is dealt a different hand. So yes there are some people who get the Kings or Queens, others get 3's or 4's. But it doesn't mean those who got the so called 'crap cards' can't 'win'. It's all about how you play. It's all about viewing the cards in a different way. I feel I am rocking the hand I got dealt *insert winky face*. But I got a bad poker face hahahahaha, I've got to learn to wipe this smile off my dial!
This isn't a post on getting people to believe in God or whatever. I am simply making an observation. For me God has opened my eyes on a grand scale. I am never, ever angry with God. In fact I am grateful that God has given me the life I have been given. I am not ignorant, I am aware. You can only be super grateful for that. 

Judgement...

Oh do I loath judgement... although I must admit it is all part of the human experience. We all judge to some degree, even if we don't think we do. I am not religious per se, but the only being/thing that can judge is God. Yet we all have preconcieved notions of how things should be and what we should be doing and how we should be reacting and so on and so forth.
The truth is NONE of us should judge another human being until we are PERFECT and believe me nobody is perfect or ever will be. We all make mistakes, we all do things that are questionable, and so there is the hypocrisy in our judgement of others.
As I grow and develop, as I strive to be the best I can be, I try to ensure my lack of judgement on others. It is a difficult task as I think it is ingrained in us from the moment we are on this Earth. Almost like a reflex action, a knee jerk reaction. 
It is so easy to look at someone's situation and say "Oh I would do it so differently". But you are not them. You have not experienced every single experience that person has had. You do not have the exact dynamics of that persons life, their relationships, their moods, their feelings.
I think the path to being a happier person is to let go of judgement. When I am concious of my judgemental thoughts, I quash them and try to think of a positive spin on my thoughts. Give people the "benefit of the doubt". It surprisingly feels good! It's a refreshing change as opposed to continuing on that judgemental line.
Next time you catch yourself thinking "Oh I wouldn't do that" or "Would you just look at that!", take a step back and change your thoughts. It doesn't hurt. I promise *insert that usual winky face*.

.. Dear Diary.. part 2..

Ok people I'm back from my shower. Continuing on..

Sunday 15th March 1998:
Mum's become jaundice & bony thin. She is in absolute agony and throwing up. I can't take it, it hurts me so bad to see her this way. My stomach churns and my heart aches. Lying in bed last night trying to go to sleep I heard "Tears in Heaven" & cried myself to sleep. When i woke up Tam came in the room & gave me a hug & we cried together. Dad hadn't slept last night (maybe only got an hours sleep), he'd been crying and pacing.
I had many bad dreams, one with me hugging & kissing mum as she was in pain and dying, she oozed a desperate urgency to stay with me & I with her. We couldn't let go & there was a knowledge there that she was soon to 'leave'. It's freaking me out, I can't take it. We all feel so helpless. I want to hug her right now but she is so fragile, thin & ill, I can't hug her. I told her that & she understood so I kissed her arm. I've been kissing her cheek a lot. And all I can say is how much I love her & she says "I know, I love you too".
Last night Tam, C... & I went to see "As Good As It Gets". It was a good film, but I cried a few times when thinking about mum especially when I thought how much she'd love to see that movie.
Mum is unable to keep down the little amount of food that she does eat.
This is all so scary, I'm scared. I'm chilled to the bone..
15th continued
Dad called Aunty Josephine, & I sat with him as he told her what's happening. I can't write it all but I cried soooo much & hyperventilated. I'm a mess. I've got to go to bed now.

Monday 16th March 1998:
All mum can do is drift in and out of sleep. She's light headed & can't seem to concentrate. Dr M.... came by this evening & told mum she has to go to hospital tomorrow to have an operation on her bile ducts through her mouth/throat etc down to her pancreas. It will unblock the bile ducts and stop the jaundice and nausea. She'll be in there till thursday (Tam's b'day is on wednesday).

Monday 23rd March 1998:
Mum went into hospital on saturday for today's operation on the bile ducts. we visited her tonight in ICU, she was all tubed up etc. It's sooo sad. I held her hand & we spoke to her. I love her so much and told her so. She's the best mum in the world. it aches my heart, I don't like seeing mum in pain.

Sunday 19th April 1998:
I talked with mum this arvo while she lay in bed. I told her I love her heaps and she said "I love you with all my heart"- it was beautiful. I don't want her to go but it is slowly happening. I can't take it. Soon she'll be unable to shower herself, go to the loo, maybe even feed herself. I don't want her to get like that. Sometimes I get soooo angry & sometimes I get sooo sad. It's unbelievable. Mum doesn't know what to eat & can't eat much. She's just skin and bone. I can't take it. She's so precious. Why? Why? What bastard is responsible, I could just torture them! Urrggggggghhhh!

Wednesday 22nd April 1998:
Every night without fail I have dreams about mum, death etc.. I guess they're more like nightmares. Mum always looks healthy in my dreams but the knowledge is still there that she is dying. It doesn't feel real.
Yesterday mum said "I'm scared". Oh God it gives me butterflies, nervous, scary.
I looked up on the 'net for life after death. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says without a shadow of a doubt there is life after death. She works with terminally ill patients & has spoken to 100's of people who have had a near death experience.
I hope with al my heart & soul that there is life after death. i want mum to be safe.

I have read a few entries to myself and decided I will keep those private. But this final one, this very important entry I will share. Tears are streaming down my face, my heart aches.

Sunday 24th May 1998:
How do I begin.. it has happened. Oh my God it has happened. Mum's spirit left her at 2.10pm. I crying. she's in heaven now. She is watching me write this. Tam & I were holding her hand as mum's eyes lost that spark, her sprirt was leaving. since early this morning we were by her side telling her how much we love and appreciate her and that she is safe. friday night we all slept in the living room in front of the tv. Last night mum slept in her own bed.
This whole thing feels strange. I've never seen a dead person before, but I'm not afraid, as her spirit in soaring in heaven- I Know It!!!! Oh my heart aches.
My heart raced when I saw her leave. i can't write anymore at the moment.

Reliving that was very hard. I think that will be the last time I will read that. 

Tomorrow, the anniversary of her passing I will celebrate her life. I will think about all the wonderful and amazing things that made up my mum. I will remember all the fantastic times I had with her. I can bawl my eyes out tonight and tomorrow i hope to wake with all the loving memories of my beautiful precious angel mum.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my posts tonight. Now go and hug your loved ones xxx

Lucky duck...

When I tell people about my children obviously it comes out that Liam has CP. It's just a fact of our life and that's that. But I have had the response of  "oh I'm so sorry" or worse still "you poor thing". What? Huh? Excuse me? Do not feel sorry for me or Liam. He is one very happy dude. And I like to think I am one pretty happy dude-ette. Further more I am one very lucky mummy!!! I am so blessed to be able to have children. There are people out there who will never be able to concieve and they would pay thousands, if not millions just to be able to be given a possible chance of falling pregnant.
Yes indeed there are difficult days and yes my back aches at times, but I would never trade that for anything! All I have to think about is how we almost lost him in that first day of life and I know I have won the lottery with Liam. He is one in a gazillion. As are all our children.
I remember having a conversation with a person, who had no problems concieving, about fertility treatment. She had said that it was against God's plans and that the Doctors were trying to play God. I was quite gobsmacked. I then asked if that also included fertility drugs, not just IVF, and she responded with "yes, any kind of intervention is against the plan". I kindly pointed out that my parents had tried for 7 years and that without fertility drugs my sister would not be here and maybe I wouldn't be either (although I was a little surprise for my parents lol). She was unable to speak after that. What could she say?
The pain and the sadness of trying for years and years I cannot even begin to imagine. Liam was a surprise baby just like me, but we tried for 2 months with Dylan and that felt like a long time! Then after we lost him I could not go on until we were pregnant again. It took 6 months for us to fall with Jack. That six months was torture. Maybe more so because I was trying to fill the void that had opened up from the loss of Dylan. So the thought of trying for years and going through numerous treatments and dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions, is just beyond comprehension. And there are couples out there experiencing this everyday.
I do love the good news stories of people getting their miracle babies. Some through fertility drugs, some through IVF. And in some cases naturally, against all odds, when a couple have been told they will never concieve. Now that is magic!
Next time someone says "oh I'm sorry", I'm going to take advice from my friend K and respond with "what? did you fart?"

Lessons learnt...

Today I was having coffee with two of my good friends 'L' and 'N' (I haven't asked them if they would like to be mentioned or kept anonymous yet, so I'll just refer to them as such). We were discussing the "everything happens for a reason" thing and that everything is/was meant to be. I know when you are going through a traumatic experience that's usually the last thing you want to hear "oh it's meant to be" or "God has a plan and this is part of it". But in hindsight I think it rings true. Especially if you think of all the wonderful, amazing and positive things in your life... if the bad stuff didn't happen, neither would all that positive great stuff.
The real tragedy that comes from tragedy is not learning from that tragedy.
Ok I'm going to keep this post short and sweet tonight. (I may just continue this line of thought in my next post. But who knows, I'm a scatter brain at the best of times hehe)