Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Foggy in the head...

When I have bouts of depression I get, what I call "foggy in the head". I can't think straight, I get easily confused, my memory suffers and I become forgetful. I also become worried about 'nothing in particular'. I get panicky and anxious. And for the life of me I do not know why!
The funny thing is I am actually happy at the same time... Happy that I have a loving and supportive husband, three amazing children and we have a roof over our heads. I am filled with gratitude for all the positive and wonderful things in my life. Yet I can still have times where I just feel 'hopeless' and fearful, and I can't put my finger on what it is I'm scared about. I certainly don't want to die, but there are times where living is just so tiring and the thought of sleeping for a few months or years sounds kinda nice. Not having to think or feel for a little while, now that would be a little slice of heaven.
People may argue that the things I have experienced in my life would certainly be the cause of these feelings,  but I really doubt that. I had the "foggy in the head" times when I was a teenager too. Before my mum passed away. Before my diabetes was diagnosed. So it is not something entirely connected to my situation and experiences. Although certain events have not helped me in that aspect. I even had to go on Anti-Depressants after Jack's Open Heart Surgery. I dealt with Jack's heart defect diagnosis quite well, and the surgery I was terrified but I got through it. What got me was about a month later I just started thinking "what next?" What else will one of us get? Or be diagnosed with? I became paranoid about every ache, pain, discomfort. I was afraid I had breast cancer and I would check everyday. I checked every mole on my body worrying about melanoma. I was a wreck and I thought that I was meant to be tip top because Jack's heart was fixed!. I decided I couldn't function like that and went on the meds. What got me off the meds was that I became pregnant with Evangeline.
I have nothing against anti-depressants and I'm all for taking them if they're your only hope. But I really don't want to take them myself and I have been able to deal with depression through healthy eating, exercise and positive thinking.  But at the moment I am doing the healthy eating and exercising and even positive thinking, yet I am coming over with that bloody "foggy in the head" feeling, that heavy heart, that "I want to sleep for a year". Maybe it's just a little glitch in my mind right now and next week I will be ok.
The one thing that I hope my children never inherit from me is Depression. I say inherit because I do believe it is genetic. My mum suffered from it and her dad suffered from it. Yet I fear this hope is futile as the amount of people I know who suffer or who have suffered from depression is quite large, and is always on the rise. Why is this???

1 comment:

amym said...

hey babe
have you ever been into therapy about it? it could be a combination of stuff from your childhood/ youth and chemicals.. i don't know, just a suggestion.

I'm about to head back into therapy myself.. time to really deal with those demons from the past. I've done a fair bit of therapy through the years.. but i now think i've really come to an understanding about what's the cause, and know i need to go deal with that. they keep telling me.. it will probably be a while.. blah! but i'm actually oddly looking forward to it.

I can completely empathise with the anxiety.. it's awful. touch wood, i've not had any panic attacks for about 4 years - following some intensive therapy! i still suffer from anxiety during difficult periods, and am on edge a lot of the time. I've suffered mild depression, but it was environmental factors, and don't think it was chemically based. From what i gather yours is chemically related?

I hope you find answers you need xx