Monday, 23 May 2011

.. Dear Diary.. part 2..

Ok people I'm back from my shower. Continuing on..

Sunday 15th March 1998:
Mum's become jaundice & bony thin. She is in absolute agony and throwing up. I can't take it, it hurts me so bad to see her this way. My stomach churns and my heart aches. Lying in bed last night trying to go to sleep I heard "Tears in Heaven" & cried myself to sleep. When i woke up Tam came in the room & gave me a hug & we cried together. Dad hadn't slept last night (maybe only got an hours sleep), he'd been crying and pacing.
I had many bad dreams, one with me hugging & kissing mum as she was in pain and dying, she oozed a desperate urgency to stay with me & I with her. We couldn't let go & there was a knowledge there that she was soon to 'leave'. It's freaking me out, I can't take it. We all feel so helpless. I want to hug her right now but she is so fragile, thin & ill, I can't hug her. I told her that & she understood so I kissed her arm. I've been kissing her cheek a lot. And all I can say is how much I love her & she says "I know, I love you too".
Last night Tam, C... & I went to see "As Good As It Gets". It was a good film, but I cried a few times when thinking about mum especially when I thought how much she'd love to see that movie.
Mum is unable to keep down the little amount of food that she does eat.
This is all so scary, I'm scared. I'm chilled to the bone..
15th continued
Dad called Aunty Josephine, & I sat with him as he told her what's happening. I can't write it all but I cried soooo much & hyperventilated. I'm a mess. I've got to go to bed now.

Monday 16th March 1998:
All mum can do is drift in and out of sleep. She's light headed & can't seem to concentrate. Dr M.... came by this evening & told mum she has to go to hospital tomorrow to have an operation on her bile ducts through her mouth/throat etc down to her pancreas. It will unblock the bile ducts and stop the jaundice and nausea. She'll be in there till thursday (Tam's b'day is on wednesday).

Monday 23rd March 1998:
Mum went into hospital on saturday for today's operation on the bile ducts. we visited her tonight in ICU, she was all tubed up etc. It's sooo sad. I held her hand & we spoke to her. I love her so much and told her so. She's the best mum in the world. it aches my heart, I don't like seeing mum in pain.

Sunday 19th April 1998:
I talked with mum this arvo while she lay in bed. I told her I love her heaps and she said "I love you with all my heart"- it was beautiful. I don't want her to go but it is slowly happening. I can't take it. Soon she'll be unable to shower herself, go to the loo, maybe even feed herself. I don't want her to get like that. Sometimes I get soooo angry & sometimes I get sooo sad. It's unbelievable. Mum doesn't know what to eat & can't eat much. She's just skin and bone. I can't take it. She's so precious. Why? Why? What bastard is responsible, I could just torture them! Urrggggggghhhh!

Wednesday 22nd April 1998:
Every night without fail I have dreams about mum, death etc.. I guess they're more like nightmares. Mum always looks healthy in my dreams but the knowledge is still there that she is dying. It doesn't feel real.
Yesterday mum said "I'm scared". Oh God it gives me butterflies, nervous, scary.
I looked up on the 'net for life after death. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says without a shadow of a doubt there is life after death. She works with terminally ill patients & has spoken to 100's of people who have had a near death experience.
I hope with al my heart & soul that there is life after death. i want mum to be safe.

I have read a few entries to myself and decided I will keep those private. But this final one, this very important entry I will share. Tears are streaming down my face, my heart aches.

Sunday 24th May 1998:
How do I begin.. it has happened. Oh my God it has happened. Mum's spirit left her at 2.10pm. I crying. she's in heaven now. She is watching me write this. Tam & I were holding her hand as mum's eyes lost that spark, her sprirt was leaving. since early this morning we were by her side telling her how much we love and appreciate her and that she is safe. friday night we all slept in the living room in front of the tv. Last night mum slept in her own bed.
This whole thing feels strange. I've never seen a dead person before, but I'm not afraid, as her spirit in soaring in heaven- I Know It!!!! Oh my heart aches.
My heart raced when I saw her leave. i can't write anymore at the moment.

Reliving that was very hard. I think that will be the last time I will read that. 

Tomorrow, the anniversary of her passing I will celebrate her life. I will think about all the wonderful and amazing things that made up my mum. I will remember all the fantastic times I had with her. I can bawl my eyes out tonight and tomorrow i hope to wake with all the loving memories of my beautiful precious angel mum.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my posts tonight. Now go and hug your loved ones xxx


Amy said...

hugs & hugs & hugs. xxx

Anonymous said...

that was so sad but very loving to come from you & your heart hun, mine will be with you tomorrow xxx sending hugs xoxo nanny Rhonda

Sannah said...

What an amazing, sad, journey you have had. Hugs. My father died of pancreatic cancer when I was 11, and the thing that I am still saddest about is that he never got to meet his grandchildren, and that they never got to meet him. xx

Stranger than Fiction aka Yeran said...

Hugs to you too Sannah. That is such a young age to lose your dad. And it definately is the hardest thing knowing your children will never meet them :'-(
I was looking at my middle child Jack today and thought, 'gosh you look like your nanna' and I started to cry thinking about how my mum would've just adored him. And then I realised she does, she's around us. And sometimes I think Jack can see her....
Big hugs again Sannah xxx

Anonymous said...

honey there are no words. your mum is an inspiration. Her spirit lives on in you and no doubt she is extremely proud of who you have become. love nic xxxx

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

Thank you so much for sharing such intimate moments with us all and for your comment the other day directing me here.
My heart aches that you lost your mum so young xxx

Stranger Than Fiction aka Yeran said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it Glowless <3 Thinking of you and your family at this time xxx

And thank you too Nic xxx