Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Oh so it's still here?

Title is ambiguous... Well kinda. I'm talking about my blog is still here (it's been well over a year since last post), I'm talking about my issues... still friggin here! All the worlds issues... still friggin here. It seems like nothing disappears completely. Ever. That can be both a good and a bad thing. Good for those who don't want to lose a part of them or their lives. Bad for those who are trying to escape the inescapable.
And what I feel shit about with this blog is that I have only come back to it when I have hit another rock bottom. How many rock bottoms are there by the way?? Must turn into a cavern after awhile.
I guess at the absolute bottom you find things... that's why they have that saying "let's get to the bottom of this" lol. Yes because at the bottom you find all the truths, the inescapable truths that hurt and cause fear. Then after the stark realisations you can look back up to the light and try to climb back out. But for those with depression and anxiety... they always know in the back of their mind there is a rock bottom and that they most likely will find themselves again there one day. The last couple of years I've been bungee jumping in and out of that hole. Yet too scared, worried and perhaps stubborn to get professional help. Silly me. Stupid me. Oh let the self loathing begin. Fuck I sound like a teenager. I like to think I've grown a lot, learnt a lot, evolved. But then I continue with these spiralling actions. And my mind starts to wonder if a psych could help anyways. What if it is mostly chemical? My brain wired like a crazy ninja.
Please excuse me for a mess of a post. But this is my mind and I'm just going to vomit it up right now for you.
Autism Awareness Day was yesterday. And it was also my middle son's (Jack, my little man with Autism) 4th birthday. Ironic. But even more ironic is that moment when you look up about Autism in Females because of your worries about your 2 year old daughter. Then you go through a checklist that sounds like a description of yourself. Bam! Self diagnose with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism. I was not aware of the traits a female could display with Autism. But now I am. And as weird as it may sound I think I need to go get myself assessed. Whatever comes out of it, I know I can make peace with the fuck up that I am and was. And I guess this is why I am watching Evangeline like a hawk. I don't want her to think the way I did growing up. Or even the way I think now. I want her to be proud of herself, and not to feel weird, an outcast, a freak. I hope to prevent her from getting anxiety and eating disorders. I wish there was a medical label for me back in when I was a kid. I would've felt better I think. I would've understood why I did the things I did and thought the things I thought. I mean, I do love the fact my parents thought the sun shined out of my butt and that there was nothing wrong with me... but really maybe things might've been a bit easier if I'd been assessed? I know things are different in this day and age and that Aspergers wasn't really heard of in the 80's, so I can't blame my parents or society for not picking up on my issues until they became eating disorders, crying fits and chronic fatigue.
Now it's time to see who I really am and what I really need to do. Knowledge is power, yes? That's what I've been doing with my children. Now I need to do it for myself.
Signing out... for now. Might be back in a day, might be back in a week, or maybe even a year again. God knows with my freaking mind...

1 comment:

NessofBoganville said...

I was diagnosed with Aspergers two years ago at age 40. It certainly explained a lot about me. I hope you get the answers you need.