Haters gunna hate, potatoes gunna potate

We are all flawed! News flash!
Okay maybe not a newsflash to some. But hello, reality bites and if you're honest enough with yourself you will know how flawed you are. Perfectly flawed I like to call it ;-) We wouldn't be human without it.
Embrace that shit and run with it. But also work with it and turn it into some unbelievably wonderful shit ;-) oh crap sorry about all the smiley faces. Must be the new meds kicking in. Anyone taken Pristiq before? Yeah I'm trying this stuff out. Hopefully I can get a bit of peace on it.
Although the thought had crossed my mind to just go full cold turkey and see where my mind goes.... Hubby wasn't too keen on that one, even though he was never too keen on meds at the start. Aaaaah meds..... what a lovely topic that is... what great taboos that entails.
Really, hello???!?!? Who cares, as long as I don't go postal. What's it to anyone else how the meds go??? But alas there are a few peeps out there invested in it... or so they think. I reckon my mum would be wary but then be like "hey hun, you do what keeps you going and your family stable". Well that's how I'd dream it to be. Although when I was a youngen she was on meds too. But hell that was beyond taboo. Fuck taboos. Fuck normality. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck. Phew that feels better.
Now how do we change society and social media to say it is okay to be not okay and to need help??? Please peeps I want some advice here. I want to get the word out that getting help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of awesomeness. What about a mad ass happy as mob mentality that wants everyone to be happy and succeed? What an ideal hey? Does that make me a bit hippy like?
See I told you my return to blogging would be mad ass sporadic.
Might write more tomorrow. Just about reached my limit now. Lazy biotch I am.
Flaws... they rock. Own 'em. Embrace 'em. And then work towards Nirvana lmao. Might visit the Buddhist Temple tomorrow. Love a bit of enlightenment. And a good photo op. Love me photos.

Oh so it's still here?

Title is ambiguous... Well kinda. I'm talking about my blog is still here (it's been well over a year since last post), I'm talking about my issues... still friggin here! All the worlds issues... still friggin here. It seems like nothing disappears completely. Ever. That can be both a good and a bad thing. Good for those who don't want to lose a part of them or their lives. Bad for those who are trying to escape the inescapable.
And what I feel shit about with this blog is that I have only come back to it when I have hit another rock bottom. How many rock bottoms are there by the way?? Must turn into a cavern after awhile.
I guess at the absolute bottom you find things... that's why they have that saying "let's get to the bottom of this" lol. Yes because at the bottom you find all the truths, the inescapable truths that hurt and cause fear. Then after the stark realisations you can look back up to the light and try to climb back out. But for those with depression and anxiety... they always know in the back of their mind there is a rock bottom and that they most likely will find themselves again there one day. The last couple of years I've been bungee jumping in and out of that hole. Yet too scared, worried and perhaps stubborn to get professional help. Silly me. Stupid me. Oh let the self loathing begin. Fuck I sound like a teenager. I like to think I've grown a lot, learnt a lot, evolved. But then I continue with these spiralling actions. And my mind starts to wonder if a psych could help anyways. What if it is mostly chemical? My brain wired like a crazy ninja.
Please excuse me for a mess of a post. But this is my mind and I'm just going to vomit it up right now for you.
Autism Awareness Day was yesterday. And it was also my middle son's (Jack, my little man with Autism) 4th birthday. Ironic. But even more ironic is that moment when you look up about Autism in Females because of your worries about your 2 year old daughter. Then you go through a checklist that sounds like a description of yourself. Bam! Self diagnose with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism. I was not aware of the traits a female could display with Autism. But now I am. And as weird as it may sound I think I need to go get myself assessed. Whatever comes out of it, I know I can make peace with the fuck up that I am and was. And I guess this is why I am watching Evangeline like a hawk. I don't want her to think the way I did growing up. Or even the way I think now. I want her to be proud of herself, and not to feel weird, an outcast, a freak. I hope to prevent her from getting anxiety and eating disorders. I wish there was a medical label for me back in when I was a kid. I would've felt better I think. I would've understood why I did the things I did and thought the things I thought. I mean, I do love the fact my parents thought the sun shined out of my butt and that there was nothing wrong with me... but really maybe things might've been a bit easier if I'd been assessed? I know things are different in this day and age and that Aspergers wasn't really heard of in the 80's, so I can't blame my parents or society for not picking up on my issues until they became eating disorders, crying fits and chronic fatigue.
Now it's time to see who I really am and what I really need to do. Knowledge is power, yes? That's what I've been doing with my children. Now I need to do it for myself.
Signing out... for now. Might be back in a day, might be back in a week, or maybe even a year again. God knows with my freaking mind...

Ryan Gosling link up again ;-)

Linking up with Sunday from Adventures in Extreme Parenthood and a big bunch of awesome bloggers who share the experience of being parents to children with Special Needs for the Special Needs Ryan Gosling meme *insert very happy and perhaps even toey face*

Sunday gave us a Ryan pic at the beginning of the week and we were given the assignment to create our own "Hey Girl.." text.

So here is my master piece...

*splash!!!!*

I'm still alive!!! And Ryan Gosling is the reason I'm blogging again...

Ok so there is this awesome blogger named Sunday who has a must read blog called Adventures in Extreme Parenthood. I am a huge fan of her work and have been brought out of my blogging funk with her linky 'Special Needs Ryan Gosling'.
This meme is in the style of the 'Hey Girl' series that has become very popular on the interwebs. But this version is all to do with being a Special Needs parent. There is just something about those dreamy eyes of Ryan's and the uber sensitive and understanding words that look like they are dripping from his mouth *sigh* *drool* *puddle*.
So here is my contribution that I created for the link up......

I am looking forward to joining in again in the following weeks, especially since I have both Autism and Cerebral Palsy to talk about and maybe you would like to create one too!!

 

I got pampered... or did I?

For Christmas my hubby my children got me a massage voucher at a Day Spa.

I was filled with both happy gratitude and "oh fu** this could be painful". I say painful because I have indeed experienced some very painful massages, from both here in Australia and in Thailand. I am not sure whether I am just a big wuss. Or they actually just go 'hard' on me.... *titter titter*.

Anyways back on topic.
I booked in the massage for a morning that was completely free. Yes they exist. Sometimes.
And I rocked up both excited and a bit nervous.
The usual Enya type music was playing when I walked in.
The scent of 'who knows what' but it definately smelt like a day spa. Essential oils and all that.
I was ushered into a darkened room with candles burning and a massage table with my name on it... ok not literally but you get what I mean.
I was told to strip off (ok not in those words but that was how I perceived it). They left the room while I disrobed. Then came back in as I lay face down ready to be pummeled massaged.
So I don't know how y'all go when you get 'pampered'/ massaged... but I'm a thinker. I cannot bloody switch off! Here I am getting what others dream of only to think about all the details that clog up my foggy mind. Then I start to do an inner monolgue of the actual massage itself...

"Ok, ok, that's hectic pressure you're using right there"
"Oh yes, yes that feels sooo good"
"Hmmm this isn't so bad"
"Wow this is feeling great!"
"Ouch, ouch, fu**! That hurts!"
"Woah lady you're getting mighty close to my butt crack!"

And that last quote kept coming at me a couple of times.
Very close to my butt crack I tell ya!

I was saying to myself "You are so relaxed right now. You are!"

75 minutes of 'pure bliss' and I spent it with the inner monologue of Woody Allen!

Am I the only one who doesn't get the full affect of the 'Day Spa' experience????
I mean I do and if hubby is reading this, I do I do get the experience!!! But I'm just unable to fully relax. Like comatose relax... Maybe it's just me....

Anyways, I really do enjoy the 'Day Spa' experience.. but maybe I just need a week of it to adjust to 'switching off'. *Insert winky and very much hinting face*

P.S: I really did enjoy the pampering. But damn that inner freaking monologue! Anybody know how to switch that off???!??

This post may make no sense at all, but heck I thought it may change the world... lol...

Ok so I've been mega quiet on my blog lately...

There are several reasons for this...

But do I want to bore you with the details??? Hmmmmm.

Yep I do!

As you all know I am a nut bag. Crazy in the head. Completely loco. But well happy, as well as well depressed. Yep I'm a little f***ed up. But aren't we all??!?!??

I am very happy and content with my life.

My head on the other hand could totally have a lobotomy.

My depression funnily enough is not riding solely on my crazy situation in this life. A lot of it is chemical. Or something like that. My brain does funny things to me. Makes dark clouds hang listlessly about my head, whether the sun shines and my children talk.

I am a positive person. I am. I'm optimistic. But that doesn't stop my mind f***ing with me.

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Cancer!"
"What the f***?!?"

Yep that's me. Thinking about cancer. A lot.

Lump in throat?

Cancer.

Sore boob?

Cancer.

It's the one thing that we all could have.
Very hard to 'prevent'.
Children die of it. They did nothing. They didn't smoke or eat junk or sunbake.

It just happens.

That's why I'm scared the f*** of it.

Probably doesn't help that my mum died from it. And that one of my best friend's have suffered from it. That so many people are affected by it!

Anyways, after months and months of self torture a friend of mine made me see the GP. The Eve of Christmas Eve I rocked up to the Dr and told him of my depression and anxiety. He prescribed anitdepressants and valium and a psychologist.

I reluctantly started on the meds, but thank God I did! I had hit rock bottom. Crying so hard, my eye balls ached.

Christmas Day rolled by. A little hazy. But my husband surprised me with a gift he has no idea makes my heart sing. He bought me a Digital SLR camera. Since that day I have been photographing like a demon!!.  I mean my children and my husband make me beyond happy. But faaarrr out! Photography takes me somewhere else!!!!
Ok so the black clouds still hang about, but I have my highs from my children and my hubby and my photography.

So there you have it. I've been attached to the camera and removed myself from the writing that had helped me last year. I hope to be able to do both this year. I also hope to be able to help others who feel as f***ed up as me *insert winky face*. There are awesome days out there. A lot of them actually!!! We just need to shine the spotlight on them and take a picture.

For my Catharsis... Memories of Dylan

The facts about baby loss...

This is a list of facts I have compiled on this anniversary of my baby boy Dylan's birthday and passing. I thought it would be important to share:

• you never, ever forget your baby. Ever.

• the pain is there, but you learn to deal with it better over time.

• never say to a parent that has lost a baby/child "oh well you can always have another one". Never, ever say that. Ever! We can not have another Dylan. He was a one off. There is never a 'replacement'.

• talking about the experience openly has helped me deal with things better. But every parent deals with it differently. So let the parent take the lead. If they want to talk about it, listen. If they are silent about it all, just let them know that they can talk to you anytime. But let them know there is no pressure to talk at all.

• acknowledging our baby's birthday every year is beyond important. They will never grow old, but their memory grows with us, part of our family tree. They are that branch that never got to reach out and sprout leaves, yet they make our tree as glorious as ever.

I know this isn't a long list. But it will stay in your mind. It is simple and concise. I hope it helps many others in dealing with or understanding the loss of a baby.

Here's to all the parents with empty arms and to all those babies who grew wings too soon xxxx

Riding the escalator...

I know, I know. My blog does lean towards my middle child Jack. A lot. But his development, his experiences, they are really a mammoth part of our growth as a family and for me as a human being.
Not to say Liam hasn't opened my eyes to a million things and made me appreciate as much as I possibly can over the last six years of his life. But Jack is showing me a myriad of things in a different light. And of course Evangeline blows me away everyday too, yet I know that with her that is the 'normal experience'. With Jack I am experiencing life on a different level to the majority of society. And I like that. A lot.


Today my friend J, came along to help me take the boys out for the day. It is close to impossible to push the wheelchair and run after a child who doesn't respond to your commands and requests, by yourself. And of course super impossible with all three, so whilst Evangeline was at daycare today, I thought I'd have a 'boys day out'. I was imagining an outing to the botanic gardens... Liam enjoying the view, being wheeled along the paths and Jack running free, touching every leaf, every piece of bark, spinning around on the green expanse.... But no, my friend J complains that it is too hot and that it would be a painful experience (I'm not sure who he meant it would be painful for, but I'm guessing he wasn't feeling like sweltering in the summer heat). His alternate suggestion... the shopping centre....
A lump forms in my throat.
The shops.
I don't take the kids to the shops very often, because as I said before, I can't do it at all by myself. And well my hubby hates the shops. I use to take Liam all the time and he loved it. But Jack doesn't go very often and when he does we usually just pop him in a trolley so he doesn't run off or have a meltdown.
Ok. I thought. F**k it. Let's do this!
J was in charge of Liam.
I had my running shoes on for Jack.
I was mentally preparing for any type of scenario.
And any kind of looks from onlookers.
I popped a little backpack on Jack, to weigh him down, as per advice from his Occupational Therapist.
I held his hand.
And off the little dude toddled. Liam giggled with excitement watching his little brother ahead of him.
Now and again Jack would try to slip his hand away (palms were sweaty.. Summer heat was working to his advantage and so was my slight anxiety), but I just as quickly recaptured his little fingers.
Then we came across the escalator.
Jack had never been on one of these in his life!
He is almost 3.
We stepped closer to it. There was hesitation as he slid his shoes along the floor.
"Do you want to go on the escalator Jack?"
Pause.
"C'mon", I encouraged and pulled him towards the moving 'stairs'.
The look on his face was a mixture of fear, excitement, bewilderment.
We landed our feet on the next moving step. And whooshed forward and downward.
Jack's face filled with pure elation. It was like he took a hit of a drug.
Whoosh!
His eyes like saucers.
Mouth open wide, yet smiling at the same time.
And all of a sudden I felt like it was MY first ever ride on an escalator.
It was awesome!
What a rush!
I imagine it would be like this if you were from the 1920's, hopped in a time machine, zoomed into the future, say 2012 and was shoved onto an escalator.
I would never have had this experience if it wasn't for Jack and his Autism.
When we got to the bottom I scooped him up and looked into his face. I wish I had taken a photo. There was a glow.
I then thought he would love to go 'up' and headed to the neighbouring escalator.
He hesitated again. Stalling at the bottom. We let a group of teenagers go past us.
This time Jack wasn't budging. The teenaged girls whispered to eachother "aww how adorable" and then proceeded to cheer him on "Go on jump on! You can do it". I thought that was real sweet of them, but it didn't help and Jack turned on his heels and started to take off.
I managed to grab him and caught up with my friend J and Liam. This time I popped Jack on Liam's wheelchair. This worked a treat. Liam was grinning from ear to ear. The proud big brother, looking after his little brother. And Jack sat there content to watch the world of the shops whizz past him. I am lucky he is a Sensory Seeker and actually enjoys lights and noise (whereas there are people with Autism who cannot stand over stimulation and this makes shopping pretty much impossible for different reasons).
Of course we didn't over stay our welcome at the shops, because, well you don't want to tempt fate now do you??

So there you have it.

I rode the escalator today.

It was a mindblowing experience.

What blew your mind today?

Getting to the Point...

First I'm going to show you a photo....

This is my son, Jack, and what we do everyday.

He takes my hand and leads me around the house. Leads me to objects, to places, sometimes to no where in particular because he lost his train of thought and forgot where he was taking me. He places my hand on what he wants. Or if it's in the distance he 'throws' my hand toward it.

Jack does not understand the concept of "pointing".

It's part of his Autism.

I was blown away when the Speech Therapist told us that Jack cannot imagine the 'invisible line' between the tip of our index finger to the object we are 'talking' about.  It is something we all take for granted.

My Evangeline has been pointing ever since she was about 8 months old. And I never get bored of it. I really appreciate the ease at which she can communicate what she wants through the use of pointing.

But I also appreciate the way Jack has tried to overcome his difficulty with communicating with me. Of course there are times where it is impossible to know what he is trying to convey and this is common in Autism. Yet when I do figure out his form of charades I think it's ingenius and rather cute.

Of course there are those days where all three of my kids need me at the same time. Evangeline squealing as she crawls towards me, Liam looking at me with eyes that beg for a drink and then Jack insists I go with him... he grabs my hand and takes me all over the house.. over and over again. It gets exhausting. But then I think. He is trying to communicate so hard. The effort. The want. It's there in spades. Yet sometimes I have to refuse his hand. It hurts to do it. But the truth is I have two other children who need attention too.

Who knew pointing was so bloody important?

Who knew it could change the development of a child?

Who knew it could affect someone socially?

I point like a woman possessed these days. I model pointing like it's going out of fashion. I relish the fact others 'get me' when I'm pointing at something and that I am not muted by my lack of understanding the concept of pointing.

Next time you see someone pointing, you are so going to think of this post, aren't you? And you are going to thank your lucky stars you can do it and understand it and that those around you do too *insert winky face*

Photosplosion!!!...

Ok so I've been a bit absent from the blogosphere of late.
But, like, who noticed anyways!?!? Teehee.

Christmas took a huge front seat in my life and I spent all my time soaking up the rays and the love of my family *cue corny sigh*.

And going nuts on Instagram (because I just LOVE photographs!!!). And if you are on Instagram too lets follow eachother! My username is yezza_strangerthanfiction

I have always loved photography and for many years have dropped hints to hubby about getting one of those fandangled SLR's, but kind of thought it was a pipe dream. So on Christmas day waiting for my Red Cowboy Boots, hubby handed me a box. My heart skipped a beat. Really? Could this be it? It felt heavy enough... I didn't hesitate to rip like a woman possessed into the wrapping paper... I didn't want to raise my hopes any higher and thought the quicker I discover that this is just a heavy pot pourri bowl the better. Because it certainly wasn't looking like the shape of cowboy boots.

The moment I saw this:

I, um, lost my shit!!!!

I finally could indulge in some serious wanktastic photography!!!!

I haven't stopped since! Photographing that is... not wanking lol.

So I apologise in advance if my blog contains less words and more images for a bit, but hey I know you guys won't mind letting me indulge in such an artistic and creative display. Thus I may cheat and do "Wordless Wednesday" on Friday or Monday *insert cheeky winky face*.

Here is a sample of my first few "pieces of art":

Nothing is guaranteed....

Like the title states.. NOTHING IS GUARANTEED.
And by this I mean, that moment when you are told your child has a disability or there is something 'different' about them either medically or something else, as a parent you start to see the future fall away into something different to what you had mapped out in your mind. All your plans have disintegrated into something unrecognisable. Your predictions of this and that are blown away.....

Well let me tell you! There is no guarantee that any human is going to fulfill those 'dreams', 'goals' and predictions.
In fact all those children who have been deemed 'normal' or 'mainstream' do not come with the guarantee they will not turn out to be killers or rapists.
I could lament the fact Liam may never have children, but even if he didn't have Cerebral Palsy, he may never have wanted to have children anyway!
And Evangeline, well she may end up being the child that never leaves home, that depends on me for everything, while my boys might find some form of independence.
The only thing that is guaranteed is this very second.
This very moment that is happening.
Our children are being nothing but themselves right now.
They may change.
They most likely will change.
So will we.
Over time we all change to some extent.
Nothing is permanent.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
That is why we should enjoy as much as we possibly can, the moment that we are in.
Find some sort of beauty in it.

I really think that is the answer to life.
Find the beauty, the magic, the positives in the "right now"!!!!
Because it could all be gone in a split second.

Sorry for the, ahem, slight morbidity. But really, we all need a shake up. We need to wake up to the fact this could be the best time of our lives and we are missing it!
It is all about perspective. And right now my perspective is a little ranty. I am sorry for that. I don't like to be ranty. But I couldn't help myself this evening.

I really wish I could do this post more justice, but I'm too fired up.

DIFFABILITY :-)

This is a post that will be so close to my heart, it may be almost difficult to type.

I saw that the beautiful Carly from the blog Tune into Radio Carly was doing a blog hop with the theme of what International Day of People with a Disability means to us and I thought how could I not take part???

So here I am.
About to share the wisdom that is being a parent of two children with different disabilities.
What it all means to me.

• The first thing it means, is that each and everyone of us is blessed, no matter what. We just have to see it. It is indeed all about perspective and all about making the most of what we are given in this life.

• The second thing it means to me is, I am and will always be forever learning, developing, growing and all because two little boys are doing most of the teaching. I have seriously not learnt as much in my entire life as I have in the last 6 years.

• The third and most important thing is I will never, ever take anything for granted, EVER. People who have not been touched by having a disability or knowing and loving a person with a disability, seem to be less likely to appreciate even the smallest things in their lives.

So with these three points in mind I would like to share the last few days that we have experienced in my house. I like to call my place "Our House of Miracles". Because after the diagnoses of our boys (Liam the eldest has Severe Spastic Quad CP and our middle child Jack has Autism with a Moderate Deevelopmental Delay) we weren't guaranteed anything in regards to development and so there was uncertainty to what our boys could achieve. Thus from that moment we were told of each child's diagnosis, we were able to see every achievement as a miracle, as the biggest celebration.

I have learnt never to think 'never'. Anything is possible. Not just with my boys but in anything I undertake. I see this in a lot of people who have a disability... hang on can I just change that word to my favourite term 'diffability'. We are all differently abled, every single one of us! All of us have strengths and weaknesses.

So back to the last few days (I'm sorry for the discombobulated post lol)... I spent an afternoon the other day with Liam, my eldest, playing with flash cards. It is rare that I can have real one on one time with him, so I grabbed the opportunity as soon as it was available. I often wonder how much Liam understands and knows... he is non verbal and is only able to gesture by waving his arms up and using facial expressions.  I can see he has a spark in his eyes and he laughs at all the right times if you know what I mean. But to really know to what extent he understands... well I have no idea. But that afternoon, I asked him to look at the flash card that I had said whilst holding up two different ones. For example: I held up a card of a frog in my left hand and a card of a moon in the other and asked him to look at the frog and wave his arms when he was sure that was the right one. He got it right everytime with such a large variety of cards. That moment I knew he had more than just a spark in his eyes, it was fireworks! And believe me I felt like fireworks were going off!!!

And tonight. Well tonight I witnessed more miracles. And of course it is when I least expect it!
I was giving Jack, my middle boy with Autism, a bath. We have been working on eye contact and speech for the whole year and have  been making great progress, but tonight... it was like the Autism left the building. I saw Jack. Just Jack. I was singing a dinosaur song to him and he stomped along, smiling and never once taking his eyes off me. Each time the song finished I did a huge hooplah hooray and clap and then I asked for a high five (which he hasn't done since he was 6 months old.. he is now 2 and a half). And for the first time ever he gave me the most energetic high five with so much gusto, I was almost pushed over. He was ever so present and I would never have felt so grateful of that if I hadn't been through everything else with my boys. The simple act of a high five was catapulted into the realm of pure awesomeness.
I felt overwhelmed with immense joy, but did not realise the magic hadn't finished yet! As I went for the 5th high five, Jack seemed to have fallen back into that state of the world he lives in parallel to us. The one where he doesn't look into your eyes and doesn't respond to a request for a high five... then he started to sing.. "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii loooooooooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" and pointed to me!!! This is a child who doesn't understand pointing and is just only kind of getting it at the moment. Well I hit the highest note emotionally at that point. A euphoria I can only try to explain. Imagine thinking you will never ever hear your child say "I love you". He has only just started to sing it after copying a television program's song. But this time, he sung it to you. Pointed to you. I don't care who you are, this tops the all time faves of anything in the frigging world list!!!

So to me International Day of People with Disability Diffability means miracles, gratitude, magic, love, achievements, hope, surprises... but I will admit it is filled with uphill battles, difficulty and struggle.. but isn't that life in general???

And lastly, I am taking a stab in the dark here, but if my boys could tell you what it means to them... I think they would say it means that nobody has given up on them, everyone has believed in them 100%, they have been given so much love, support and opportunities, and most of all respect!!!

Feeling a little blue?... Here's some medicine...

Laughter...

The Best Medicine

Wordless Wednesday... The "My 5th Wedding Anniversary" Edition..

Linking up with Trish from My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday..

Although once again I can't shut myself up and must add a few words *insert cheeky winky face*.

Tomorrow is my husband and my 5 th Wedding Anniversary.

Five whole years of wedded bliss!!!

So I thought I'd do a trip down memory lane.. and for you all to have a glimpse into my past, my life and my personality (because we all know that a wedding represents our tastes and attitudes lol).

Can you tell I was nervous as hell??

Saying our vows

Applying the rings

Smoochy boochy

We just kept smiling and laughing the whole day!

Liam didn't want to watch his parents getting fresh lol

Posing with grins

My fave!

Oh what funsters we are!

CAKE!!!!

Bombonieres (there were Starburst lollies inside)

Introducing Mr and Mrs...

Garter action

Boogeying 'Pulp Fiction' style bwahahaha

Autism, best thing to happen to me.. WTF?!?!? I hear you say..

Yep I'm slightly WTF'ing this myself. But it's the truth.

My whole world has shifted more than ever with Jack's diagnosis, but shifted in the right direction.

I even question how and why this diagnosis is different to Liam's diagnosis. I mean Spastic Quadraplegic Cerebral Palsy is pretty major, it is severe and it is beyond life changing, but for some reason Autism affects in a different way, a more powerful way... well for me anyways. A way that changes your approach to situations, to other people, to your children. Your patience increases. Your awareness of situations increases. Your eyes see differently.

When I started therapy with Liam it was hard, it was hell. It was an uphill battle. I felt I was missing out on motherhood. And when I got Jack's diagnosis I thought that I would be on that same painful path. But instead I found a different approach to therapy. I shouldn't even call it therapy. It is called having fun, embracing what your child loves and building on that. It is indeed a different approach and not everyone who has a child with a disability is on this type of journey. But working with Jack has made me re-think how to approach things with Liam. It has made me re-think my interaction with Evangeline. I am seeing that I have been experiencing 'motherhood' this whole time! And damn what a silly douche bag for not realising it! It may not be the 'typical' version of motherhood, but it's a version that millions are experiencing... I am not alone (remember approximately 1 in 120 children have Autism!!! and there's many with other disabilities diffabilities).

Anyways I'm going to be all over the place with this post, as I always am with things I get passionate about lol (yes I lol'd, just my insecure self getting in this post).

So as I was saying.. Autism, best thing to happen to me. Ok kind of selfish thought I know. Maybe I am the only one thinking this. And I most probably am. But hell I'm going to put it out there.
I was watching a documentary the other night called The Horse Boy and in it the father of a 4 year old boy with Autism said "Autism has made me a better father". I sat there nodding like a lunatic. Yes, yes, yes. I feel as a parent I have changed for the better, just in these last few months since Jack's official diagnosis. Not only am I feeling like I've improved as a parent, but as a human being.

How can one improve as a human being? I guess just in the fact that today I found joy, pure joy, in throwing streamers/cellophane in the air with my Jacky. Not to give, not to recieve. Just to be. To experience the simple fascination that shiny falling objects bring. I cried with a smile on my face. I looked at Jack and how he looked at the slowly descending spectacle. Seriously, how could you not be a better human for bearing witness to the miracle of life, of gravity, of colour and all those sensory sensations. To let go of the 'white noise' that we create in life. The unnecessary periphery that somehow takes up our mind space, our time, our energy.

Jack has taught me so much in regards to dealing with stress. When a person with Autism is stressed or excited they usually 'stim' or 'ism'. Such as flap, rock, jump, hum, bite etc. With my anxiety and depression I have noticed I calm quicker when jumping on the trampoline with Jack. Who knew the simple act of jumping continually could calm one down? Oh hang on that would be my 2 year old with a Diffability!

From learning about Jack I have learnt about myself. And certainly what changes need to be made. I am a work in progress, just as Jack is. As we all are.

My Christmas Wish List....

Oooh now this is a tough one and I think if we are talking 'wish list' here we could be very wishful and erm far fetched with our requests, or we could be slightly realistic but pick things that are still out of reach. So I figured I would do two lists...

The 'so far fetched, no way in a million years' list

and

The 'possible if I had a bit more money etc' list

I am sure as you read along you will be mentally writing out your own list, so please share with me in the comments, because I may like something off your list too *insert cheeky winky face*.

Drum roll please *brbrbrummpbrrrump* (it's a sick drum)

The 'so far fetched, no way in a million years' list (although I still hold out a lot of hope)

• Cure for Cancer (look I know it may sound wanky, but geez the statistics are freaking high and far from good, and if Cancer didn't exist my mum would still be here. So I'll be wanky if I want)
• Cure for Diabetes (yep selfish I know, but damn I am sick of worrying about blood sugar levels and complications such as blindness and kidney damage)
• Cure for Cerebral Palsy (I love Liam just the way he is, but I am pretty sure if he had the choice to walk, talk and feed himself he would certainly raise his hands for that!!!)

The 'possible if I had a bit more money etc' list

• A bigger house, with 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 4 car garage. All wheelchair accessible. Kitted out with every comfort for Liam. And of course comforts for the rest of us (like a 'man cave' for hubby).

• A big holiday, like going to Disney World in Florida, Las Vegas, New York, then London to visit relatives, France to visit a dear friend, Holland to visit more dear friends and then some tropical island hopping to chill out on the beach for days on end.

• Two cars, one kitted out with wheelchair accessibility and the other one for my hubby to get about in

Damn I need a third list...



The 'I hope my husband reads this and goes and organises these presents for me' list

• A pair of Red Cowboy Boots, because if you're like me and follow the amazing blog that is Edenland, you will feel this insatiable urge to buy cowboy boots after reading through her poetic words and moments of whimsy. Eden Riley represents a powerhouse of strength, gusto and awesomeness... and she wears Cowboy boots, and wants to be buried in them, so that really tells me one thing... cowboy boots are a must!!!

• Another tattoo... this time celebrating my children. I already have two tattoos. My first one, which was just a part of that "I'm going to get a tattoo" thing, and I chose an Eye of Ra. My second tattoo takes up a quarter of my back and it is in memory of my mum and my baby boy Dylan, included is their date of passing and a heaven-scape of stars.

So this time I want my three muskateers names tattooed on me with dragonflies and butterflies, representing life, growth, beauty, love and hope.

Not too much to ask... *insert pleading hopeful face*

I would love to hear from you all on your Christmas Wish lists (yes that is a plural there, now that we have established 3 different category of wish list). If you have a blog and haven't blogged about your wish list yet, please join in! I'd love to read it! Just tag my Facebook page to your blog post link when you finally post it on Facebook.

Oooooh I am now officially getting excited about Christmas!!!! And will now attempt to put up the Chrissy tree... wish me luck!

That moment when after SIX years of being a mum...

....you finally hear the word "Mummy" spoken by one of your children.
With their sweet little voice.
To your face.
Well at least to the reflection of your face.
Yeah that moment.

And it was my little boy who sees other human beings as objects. Supposedly.
Yes, today I was an object, but I was an object of his affection.

Jack and I were in front of the mirrored wardrobe. I was crouched next to him, when he gently placed my hands on his waist- his way of asking to be picked up.
I lifted him up and held him close, as we both looked over at our faces peering back at us from the mirror.

"Mummy" he chimed.

It's different from when a baby says "mama".
It's a word.
Not a babble.

And it sounds amazing.
Beautiful.
Poetic.
Magic.

Six years.
Six years of being a mum.
I have waited six whole friggin' years for this moment.
And it was so beyond worth it.

Goosebumps and electrical bolts.

You can't bottle that!

The Speech I made...

This is footage and the words from the speech I made at the fundraising Auction Night for the Early Intervention Support Group/Play Group we attend.  I was nervous as hell and couldn't eat my dinner before hand lol. But I felt awesome afterwards *insert smiley and very relieved face*. If anybody asks you to do a speech, especially to tell YOUR story.. DO IT!!! Don't hesitate!
So here it is..........

"Good evening everyone.

I am Yeran Bruce and this is actually my second time doing the ‘parent speech’ for KU Starting Points Auction Night.  And I am very honoured to have been asked to do it again.

5 years ago I stood before a large crowd sharing the story of my little family at the time. It was just me, my husband Byron and our little baby boy Liam.

Liam was diagnosed with Severe Spastic Quadraplegic Cerebral Palsy at the age of 6 months old. We were told he most likely will never walk, talk, be toilet trained or feed himself. This was devastating news to absorb.  Our paediatrician: The amazing Dr Michael Freelander had urged us to go to KU Starting Points to get as much help and support as possible.

Seriously we have never looked back.

Every week I would take Liam to group and it was like a second home. He loved it there and of course everyone loved him and his extremely infectious smile.

As Liam grew his disability became more and more obvious. By the age of one he still hadn’t rolled over, while other babies born at the same time were starting to crawl and walk. This was hard for me, but when I came to Starting Points those sad thoughts dissipated. This was the new normal, it was our normal. Our safe, little bubble.

Each day I spent doing Physiotherapy, Occupational Therapy and Speech with Liam. It was draining for both him and myself. But of course every minute was worth it, and what would seem like the most miniscule improvement for other people was huge for us! I remember working with him on using a straw, as we wanted him to move on from using baby bottles at some point in his life. I felt like it was never going to happen. That he’d be a 20 year old drinking from a baby bottle. Then one day while I held the straw up to Liam’s lips and was getting disheartened, I looked away, watching the tv... then all of a sudden I heard a sipping sound!!! Liam was drinking from a straw!!!! I was beyond ecstatic and couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone. A simple task, that others take for granted, was now cause for a huge celebration.

By the time Liam was 2, Byron and I were hoping for a sibling for Liam. A child that would be healthy and well in everyway. I ached to have that normal motherhood experience. We fell pregnant and couldn’t be more excited! We told everyone we knew and started planning for our future as a 4 person family. But at 20 weeks my waters broke and I gave birth to a little baby boy we named Dylan. It was another devastating blow in our lives, but it gave me the greatest perspective... whenever I felt sad about Liam’s Cerebral Palsy, I reminded myself that he was alive (he nearly died at birth) and that he was a happy, loving boy.

At the end of 2008, when Liam was 3, we fell pregnant again. This time I was more anxious than ever before. I couldn’t enjoy this pregnancy. I was just plain worried all the time. In the last trimester I spoke to Liam about the brother he was about to have. I am more than certain he understood.

Funnily enough I remember telling a few people my worry for Liam’s feelings.. that he will see a younger sibling grow before him, without a disability and how unfair that was and that the only fair thing would be if his brother had one too. Strange thing to say, I know. And the irony of what was to come has not evaded me.

At 35 weeks my waters broke... on April Fool’s Day no less. I had to convince Byron I wasn’t joking. And on April 2^nd Jack was born. Everything was perfect with him. No seizures and apneas like his older brother had at birth. We breathed the biggest sigh of relief. When Liam first met his little baby brother at the hospital, you could not wipe the huge grin that had permanently taken residence on his face. Lots of pics were taken and all was right with the world... Or so we thought.

At 3 months old I noticed Jack was a very tired baby, very weak. I started to panic. Thinking ‘Oh no he has Cerebral palsy too! ‘. He also started going blue in the face every time he got upset. I spoke to those around me about it.. they dismissed it ‘oh all babies go a bit blue if they cry hard enough’ or ‘its just wind’.

I had this instinct to go to our trusty paediatrician and ask him for a thorough check over. He responded with “His muscle tone is good’, so he ruled out CP. ‘But you’re going to kill me for this’ he said ‘I can hear a murmur, a possible hole in his heart’. We shrugged it off, saying Liam had that too and so do lots of babies, but we will have to get it seen to by the cardiologist.

At the cardiologist appointment, Jack laid there for an Echocardiogram aka heart ultrasound at the age of 4 months. He was so well behaved and I even remember thinking to myself how I will remember this moment for the rest of my life.. Jack cooing at the Dr and smiling. But i didn’t realise how much i would remember this moment for other reasons. It was when the Dr finished the scan that she turned to Byron and myself and said “Your son has a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. And the only treatment for it is Open Heart surgery”. There are no words for that moment. Another devastating blow on top of the other blows we had received over the years.

Thank goodness for the love and support of the staff and parents at KU Starting Points. It really helped me  and my family through that whole terrifying experience.

After a very scary 3 weeks of hospitalisations for Jack as he kept turning blue from the lack of oxygen in his blood due to the heart defects, we finally got him into surgery.

I can’t even tell you how i felt. It was a blur. But I know that I wasn’t resentful of the surgery as this was what was going to save his life. 

The surgery was a success and Jack was sent home after a week to recover. We had to pick him up like a newborn again. I also was very wary of giving him tummy time and pushing him to do things physically. So when he was late in some milestones, I just overlooked them. I mean he was powering ahead of Liam, so I didn’t see Jack as behind.

And i guess another thing that took my mind of jack’s development was the surprise pregnancy of our last child. This pregnancy was more draining than ever. But definitely worth every bit of tired achiness. And after an uneventful 9 months, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Evangeline. The three children were more work than I ever imagined.

Through all this we still tried our best to attend therapy appointments for Liam, but it was hard. 

One speech therapy appointment will always stick in my mind like glue. As we had finished Liam’s session I casually asked the speech therapist how many words should a 15 month old have by now and mentioned a friend who was taking their child to speech at 18 months old because they only had a few words. She asked me how many words was Jack saying... I said none. Hmmm she suggested to take Jack on for speech.

I thought, well it’s through the hospital, it’s free. Why not?!

Our following appointments slowly revealed bits missing from Jack’s development. Was he pointing at objects? No. How is his eye contact? Minimal. Then I realised what the speech therapist was driving at. Jack might have Autism.

Of course the seed was planted in my head and that equals me googling like a mad woman. Goosebumps. Everything I read, it was Jack. I was then watching Jack like a hawk. Observing every spin, every flap, every rock. Everytime he avoided my eyes.

I went back to our fantastic paed again. Something like a revolving door really. And I told him about Jack. He asked if jack was affectionate. I had never really thought about it. But no I was the one giving the hugs and kisses and half the time I was being pushed away.  Dr Freelander then said that kids with developmental delay tend to display autistic traits, we will give it time and see how he develops, especially after Liam starts school.

You see everyone who knew us, friends, professionals and staff, had reassured us that many siblings of children with special needs tend to be a bit behind. Larraine, the amazing superhero that runs Starting Points had said reassuringly “you are not unique in that a brother or sister has been delayed because of their older sibling”. But she said she would observe Jack through the first term that Liam was at school just to make sure everything was ok.

At the end of that term Larraine pulled me aside and had that look I’ve known so well from professionals over the years about to tell me something serious and in effect life changing. She said she could see behaviours that aren’t normal. She didn’t want to say Autism, because of course a paed would have to make that diagnosis. But I knew.

I knew, but felt I couldn’t move forward until I got the diagnosis in black and white print. It was torture. Waiting. I couldn’t grieve like I was able to about Liam’s diagnosis, because the process was much slower.

And the day we got the official diagnosis was the day I got to experience the grief, but strangely enough the bigger feeling I had was relief! Finally! We could move forward. We could make a plan of attack. I could stop trying to convince people of Jack’s behaviours and start to celebrate all the good things about him.

Every now and then I stop and think. Oh my goodness, I have a child with Cerebral Palsy and a child with Autism. Is this really happening? Then I look at every awesome thing they bring into my life and into those lives around us. How lucky I am to have them. I get to witness miracles on a regular basis. I have an opportunity to teach the world about my boys and their ‘super hero’ abilities.

And if it wasn’t for KU Starting Points, I really don’t know how or where we would be.

And looking at our story, it shows you need to believe in yourself, trust your instincts. As well as believe in your children. They are amazing and will achieve so much.

 Thank you."

Wordless Wednesday ..Bathtime miracle...

I'm linking up with Trish from My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday.

Ok it's not so wordless, but there are no words for his awesomeness. Liam shows us how to use the abilities that he does have. Love this boy to bits...