Thursday, 2 February 2012

This post may make no sense at all, but heck I thought it may change the world... lol...

Ok so I've been mega quiet on my blog lately...

There are several reasons for this...

But do I want to bore you with the details??? Hmmmmm.

Yep I do!

As you all know I am a nut bag. Crazy in the head. Completely loco. But well happy, as well as well depressed. Yep I'm a little f***ed up. But aren't we all??!?!??

I am very happy and content with my life.

My head on the other hand could totally have a lobotomy.

My depression funnily enough is not riding solely on my crazy situation in this life. A lot of it is chemical. Or something like that. My brain does funny things to me. Makes dark clouds hang listlessly about my head, whether the sun shines and my children talk.

I am a positive person. I am. I'm optimistic. But that doesn't stop my mind f***ing with me.

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"What the f***?!?"

Yep that's me. Thinking about cancer. A lot.

Lump in throat?


Sore boob?


It's the one thing that we all could have.
Very hard to 'prevent'.
Children die of it. They did nothing. They didn't smoke or eat junk or sunbake.

It just happens.

That's why I'm scared the f*** of it.

Probably doesn't help that my mum died from it. And that one of my best friend's have suffered from it. That so many people are affected by it!

Anyways, after months and months of self torture a friend of mine made me see the GP. The Eve of Christmas Eve I rocked up to the Dr and told him of my depression and anxiety. He prescribed anitdepressants and valium and a psychologist.

I reluctantly started on the meds, but thank God I did! I had hit rock bottom. Crying so hard, my eye balls ached.

Christmas Day rolled by. A little hazy. But my husband surprised me with a gift he has no idea makes my heart sing. He bought me a Digital SLR camera. Since that day I have been photographing like a demon!!.  I mean my children and my husband make me beyond happy. But faaarrr out! Photography takes me somewhere else!!!!
Ok so the black clouds still hang about, but I have my highs from my children and my hubby and my photography.

So there you have it. I've been attached to the camera and removed myself from the writing that had helped me last year. I hope to be able to do both this year. I also hope to be able to help others who feel as f***ed up as me *insert winky face*. There are awesome days out there. A lot of them actually!!! We just need to shine the spotlight on them and take a picture.


Krissy said...

That is why I love the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words because sometimes, words just cant say it.

Kate Sins said...

You're not the only one who thinks about cancer a lot. Probably too much. My brother died of cancer at 23 so I'm hyper-sensitive to it. I figure just keep trying to be healthy, get dodgy things checked by the doctor and trust my instinct.

Yay for you and the camera. Very jealous! I hope it keeps giving you endless joy. What a lovely husband you have.


SaraMG said...

Glad you're in a kind-of-ok mental state now Yeran, I know all about the black clouds lurking... It's great you have found a creative outlet to help you this year :) xxx

Stranger Than Fiction aka Yeran said...

Krissy: so true :-)

Kate: I bet you are hyper sensitive xxx

Sara: thank you xxx