Nothing is guaranteed....

Like the title states.. NOTHING IS GUARANTEED.
And by this I mean, that moment when you are told your child has a disability or there is something 'different' about them either medically or something else, as a parent you start to see the future fall away into something different to what you had mapped out in your mind. All your plans have disintegrated into something unrecognisable. Your predictions of this and that are blown away.....

Well let me tell you! There is no guarantee that any human is going to fulfill those 'dreams', 'goals' and predictions.
In fact all those children who have been deemed 'normal' or 'mainstream' do not come with the guarantee they will not turn out to be killers or rapists.
I could lament the fact Liam may never have children, but even if he didn't have Cerebral Palsy, he may never have wanted to have children anyway!
And Evangeline, well she may end up being the child that never leaves home, that depends on me for everything, while my boys might find some form of independence.
The only thing that is guaranteed is this very second.
This very moment that is happening.
Our children are being nothing but themselves right now.
They may change.
They most likely will change.
So will we.
Over time we all change to some extent.
Nothing is permanent.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
That is why we should enjoy as much as we possibly can, the moment that we are in.
Find some sort of beauty in it.

I really think that is the answer to life.
Find the beauty, the magic, the positives in the "right now"!!!!
Because it could all be gone in a split second.

Sorry for the, ahem, slight morbidity. But really, we all need a shake up. We need to wake up to the fact this could be the best time of our lives and we are missing it!
It is all about perspective. And right now my perspective is a little ranty. I am sorry for that. I don't like to be ranty. But I couldn't help myself this evening.

I really wish I could do this post more justice, but I'm too fired up.

DIFFABILITY :-)

This is a post that will be so close to my heart, it may be almost difficult to type.

I saw that the beautiful Carly from the blog Tune into Radio Carly was doing a blog hop with the theme of what International Day of People with a Disability means to us and I thought how could I not take part???

So here I am.
About to share the wisdom that is being a parent of two children with different disabilities.
What it all means to me.

• The first thing it means, is that each and everyone of us is blessed, no matter what. We just have to see it. It is indeed all about perspective and all about making the most of what we are given in this life.

• The second thing it means to me is, I am and will always be forever learning, developing, growing and all because two little boys are doing most of the teaching. I have seriously not learnt as much in my entire life as I have in the last 6 years.

• The third and most important thing is I will never, ever take anything for granted, EVER. People who have not been touched by having a disability or knowing and loving a person with a disability, seem to be less likely to appreciate even the smallest things in their lives.

So with these three points in mind I would like to share the last few days that we have experienced in my house. I like to call my place "Our House of Miracles". Because after the diagnoses of our boys (Liam the eldest has Severe Spastic Quad CP and our middle child Jack has Autism with a Moderate Deevelopmental Delay) we weren't guaranteed anything in regards to development and so there was uncertainty to what our boys could achieve. Thus from that moment we were told of each child's diagnosis, we were able to see every achievement as a miracle, as the biggest celebration.

I have learnt never to think 'never'. Anything is possible. Not just with my boys but in anything I undertake. I see this in a lot of people who have a disability... hang on can I just change that word to my favourite term 'diffability'. We are all differently abled, every single one of us! All of us have strengths and weaknesses.

So back to the last few days (I'm sorry for the discombobulated post lol)... I spent an afternoon the other day with Liam, my eldest, playing with flash cards. It is rare that I can have real one on one time with him, so I grabbed the opportunity as soon as it was available. I often wonder how much Liam understands and knows... he is non verbal and is only able to gesture by waving his arms up and using facial expressions.  I can see he has a spark in his eyes and he laughs at all the right times if you know what I mean. But to really know to what extent he understands... well I have no idea. But that afternoon, I asked him to look at the flash card that I had said whilst holding up two different ones. For example: I held up a card of a frog in my left hand and a card of a moon in the other and asked him to look at the frog and wave his arms when he was sure that was the right one. He got it right everytime with such a large variety of cards. That moment I knew he had more than just a spark in his eyes, it was fireworks! And believe me I felt like fireworks were going off!!!

And tonight. Well tonight I witnessed more miracles. And of course it is when I least expect it!
I was giving Jack, my middle boy with Autism, a bath. We have been working on eye contact and speech for the whole year and have  been making great progress, but tonight... it was like the Autism left the building. I saw Jack. Just Jack. I was singing a dinosaur song to him and he stomped along, smiling and never once taking his eyes off me. Each time the song finished I did a huge hooplah hooray and clap and then I asked for a high five (which he hasn't done since he was 6 months old.. he is now 2 and a half). And for the first time ever he gave me the most energetic high five with so much gusto, I was almost pushed over. He was ever so present and I would never have felt so grateful of that if I hadn't been through everything else with my boys. The simple act of a high five was catapulted into the realm of pure awesomeness.
I felt overwhelmed with immense joy, but did not realise the magic hadn't finished yet! As I went for the 5th high five, Jack seemed to have fallen back into that state of the world he lives in parallel to us. The one where he doesn't look into your eyes and doesn't respond to a request for a high five... then he started to sing.. "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii loooooooooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" and pointed to me!!! This is a child who doesn't understand pointing and is just only kind of getting it at the moment. Well I hit the highest note emotionally at that point. A euphoria I can only try to explain. Imagine thinking you will never ever hear your child say "I love you". He has only just started to sing it after copying a television program's song. But this time, he sung it to you. Pointed to you. I don't care who you are, this tops the all time faves of anything in the frigging world list!!!

So to me International Day of People with Disability Diffability means miracles, gratitude, magic, love, achievements, hope, surprises... but I will admit it is filled with uphill battles, difficulty and struggle.. but isn't that life in general???

And lastly, I am taking a stab in the dark here, but if my boys could tell you what it means to them... I think they would say it means that nobody has given up on them, everyone has believed in them 100%, they have been given so much love, support and opportunities, and most of all respect!!!

Feeling a little blue?... Here's some medicine...

Laughter...

The Best Medicine

Wordless Wednesday... The "My 5th Wedding Anniversary" Edition..

Linking up with Trish from My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday..

Although once again I can't shut myself up and must add a few words *insert cheeky winky face*.

Tomorrow is my husband and my 5 th Wedding Anniversary.

Five whole years of wedded bliss!!!

So I thought I'd do a trip down memory lane.. and for you all to have a glimpse into my past, my life and my personality (because we all know that a wedding represents our tastes and attitudes lol).

Can you tell I was nervous as hell??

Saying our vows

Applying the rings

Smoochy boochy

We just kept smiling and laughing the whole day!

Liam didn't want to watch his parents getting fresh lol

Posing with grins

My fave!

Oh what funsters we are!

CAKE!!!!

Bombonieres (there were Starburst lollies inside)

Introducing Mr and Mrs...

Garter action

Boogeying 'Pulp Fiction' style bwahahaha

Autism, best thing to happen to me.. WTF?!?!? I hear you say..

Yep I'm slightly WTF'ing this myself. But it's the truth.

My whole world has shifted more than ever with Jack's diagnosis, but shifted in the right direction.

I even question how and why this diagnosis is different to Liam's diagnosis. I mean Spastic Quadraplegic Cerebral Palsy is pretty major, it is severe and it is beyond life changing, but for some reason Autism affects in a different way, a more powerful way... well for me anyways. A way that changes your approach to situations, to other people, to your children. Your patience increases. Your awareness of situations increases. Your eyes see differently.

When I started therapy with Liam it was hard, it was hell. It was an uphill battle. I felt I was missing out on motherhood. And when I got Jack's diagnosis I thought that I would be on that same painful path. But instead I found a different approach to therapy. I shouldn't even call it therapy. It is called having fun, embracing what your child loves and building on that. It is indeed a different approach and not everyone who has a child with a disability is on this type of journey. But working with Jack has made me re-think how to approach things with Liam. It has made me re-think my interaction with Evangeline. I am seeing that I have been experiencing 'motherhood' this whole time! And damn what a silly douche bag for not realising it! It may not be the 'typical' version of motherhood, but it's a version that millions are experiencing... I am not alone (remember approximately 1 in 120 children have Autism!!! and there's many with other disabilities diffabilities).

Anyways I'm going to be all over the place with this post, as I always am with things I get passionate about lol (yes I lol'd, just my insecure self getting in this post).

So as I was saying.. Autism, best thing to happen to me. Ok kind of selfish thought I know. Maybe I am the only one thinking this. And I most probably am. But hell I'm going to put it out there.
I was watching a documentary the other night called The Horse Boy and in it the father of a 4 year old boy with Autism said "Autism has made me a better father". I sat there nodding like a lunatic. Yes, yes, yes. I feel as a parent I have changed for the better, just in these last few months since Jack's official diagnosis. Not only am I feeling like I've improved as a parent, but as a human being.

How can one improve as a human being? I guess just in the fact that today I found joy, pure joy, in throwing streamers/cellophane in the air with my Jacky. Not to give, not to recieve. Just to be. To experience the simple fascination that shiny falling objects bring. I cried with a smile on my face. I looked at Jack and how he looked at the slowly descending spectacle. Seriously, how could you not be a better human for bearing witness to the miracle of life, of gravity, of colour and all those sensory sensations. To let go of the 'white noise' that we create in life. The unnecessary periphery that somehow takes up our mind space, our time, our energy.

Jack has taught me so much in regards to dealing with stress. When a person with Autism is stressed or excited they usually 'stim' or 'ism'. Such as flap, rock, jump, hum, bite etc. With my anxiety and depression I have noticed I calm quicker when jumping on the trampoline with Jack. Who knew the simple act of jumping continually could calm one down? Oh hang on that would be my 2 year old with a Diffability!

From learning about Jack I have learnt about myself. And certainly what changes need to be made. I am a work in progress, just as Jack is. As we all are.

My Christmas Wish List....

Oooh now this is a tough one and I think if we are talking 'wish list' here we could be very wishful and erm far fetched with our requests, or we could be slightly realistic but pick things that are still out of reach. So I figured I would do two lists...

The 'so far fetched, no way in a million years' list

and

The 'possible if I had a bit more money etc' list

I am sure as you read along you will be mentally writing out your own list, so please share with me in the comments, because I may like something off your list too *insert cheeky winky face*.

Drum roll please *brbrbrummpbrrrump* (it's a sick drum)

The 'so far fetched, no way in a million years' list (although I still hold out a lot of hope)

• Cure for Cancer (look I know it may sound wanky, but geez the statistics are freaking high and far from good, and if Cancer didn't exist my mum would still be here. So I'll be wanky if I want)
• Cure for Diabetes (yep selfish I know, but damn I am sick of worrying about blood sugar levels and complications such as blindness and kidney damage)
• Cure for Cerebral Palsy (I love Liam just the way he is, but I am pretty sure if he had the choice to walk, talk and feed himself he would certainly raise his hands for that!!!)

The 'possible if I had a bit more money etc' list

• A bigger house, with 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 4 car garage. All wheelchair accessible. Kitted out with every comfort for Liam. And of course comforts for the rest of us (like a 'man cave' for hubby).

• A big holiday, like going to Disney World in Florida, Las Vegas, New York, then London to visit relatives, France to visit a dear friend, Holland to visit more dear friends and then some tropical island hopping to chill out on the beach for days on end.

• Two cars, one kitted out with wheelchair accessibility and the other one for my hubby to get about in

Damn I need a third list...



The 'I hope my husband reads this and goes and organises these presents for me' list

• A pair of Red Cowboy Boots, because if you're like me and follow the amazing blog that is Edenland, you will feel this insatiable urge to buy cowboy boots after reading through her poetic words and moments of whimsy. Eden Riley represents a powerhouse of strength, gusto and awesomeness... and she wears Cowboy boots, and wants to be buried in them, so that really tells me one thing... cowboy boots are a must!!!

• Another tattoo... this time celebrating my children. I already have two tattoos. My first one, which was just a part of that "I'm going to get a tattoo" thing, and I chose an Eye of Ra. My second tattoo takes up a quarter of my back and it is in memory of my mum and my baby boy Dylan, included is their date of passing and a heaven-scape of stars.

So this time I want my three muskateers names tattooed on me with dragonflies and butterflies, representing life, growth, beauty, love and hope.

Not too much to ask... *insert pleading hopeful face*

I would love to hear from you all on your Christmas Wish lists (yes that is a plural there, now that we have established 3 different category of wish list). If you have a blog and haven't blogged about your wish list yet, please join in! I'd love to read it! Just tag my Facebook page to your blog post link when you finally post it on Facebook.

Oooooh I am now officially getting excited about Christmas!!!! And will now attempt to put up the Chrissy tree... wish me luck!

That moment when after SIX years of being a mum...

....you finally hear the word "Mummy" spoken by one of your children.
With their sweet little voice.
To your face.
Well at least to the reflection of your face.
Yeah that moment.

And it was my little boy who sees other human beings as objects. Supposedly.
Yes, today I was an object, but I was an object of his affection.

Jack and I were in front of the mirrored wardrobe. I was crouched next to him, when he gently placed my hands on his waist- his way of asking to be picked up.
I lifted him up and held him close, as we both looked over at our faces peering back at us from the mirror.

"Mummy" he chimed.

It's different from when a baby says "mama".
It's a word.
Not a babble.

And it sounds amazing.
Beautiful.
Poetic.
Magic.

Six years.
Six years of being a mum.
I have waited six whole friggin' years for this moment.
And it was so beyond worth it.

Goosebumps and electrical bolts.

You can't bottle that!