Friday 5 April 2013

Haters gunna hate, potatoes gunna potate

We are all flawed! News flash!
Okay maybe not a newsflash to some. But hello, reality bites and if you're honest enough with yourself you will know how flawed you are. Perfectly flawed I like to call it ;-) We wouldn't be human without it.
Embrace that shit and run with it. But also work with it and turn it into some unbelievably wonderful shit ;-) oh crap sorry about all the smiley faces. Must be the new meds kicking in. Anyone taken Pristiq before? Yeah I'm trying this stuff out. Hopefully I can get a bit of peace on it.
Although the thought had crossed my mind to just go full cold turkey and see where my mind goes.... Hubby wasn't too keen on that one, even though he was never too keen on meds at the start. Aaaaah meds..... what a lovely topic that is... what great taboos that entails.
Really, hello???!?!? Who cares, as long as I don't go postal. What's it to anyone else how the meds go??? But alas there are a few peeps out there invested in it... or so they think. I reckon my mum would be wary but then be like "hey hun, you do what keeps you going and your family stable". Well that's how I'd dream it to be. Although when I was a youngen she was on meds too. But hell that was beyond taboo. Fuck taboos. Fuck normality. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck. Phew that feels better.
Now how do we change society and social media to say it is okay to be not okay and to need help??? Please peeps I want some advice here. I want to get the word out that getting help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of awesomeness. What about a mad ass happy as mob mentality that wants everyone to be happy and succeed? What an ideal hey? Does that make me a bit hippy like?
See I told you my return to blogging would be mad ass sporadic.
Might write more tomorrow. Just about reached my limit now. Lazy biotch I am.
Flaws... they rock. Own 'em. Embrace 'em. And then work towards Nirvana lmao. Might visit the Buddhist Temple tomorrow. Love a bit of enlightenment. And a good photo op. Love me photos.

Tuesday 2 April 2013

Oh so it's still here?

Title is ambiguous... Well kinda. I'm talking about my blog is still here (it's been well over a year since last post), I'm talking about my issues... still friggin here! All the worlds issues... still friggin here. It seems like nothing disappears completely. Ever. That can be both a good and a bad thing. Good for those who don't want to lose a part of them or their lives. Bad for those who are trying to escape the inescapable.
And what I feel shit about with this blog is that I have only come back to it when I have hit another rock bottom. How many rock bottoms are there by the way?? Must turn into a cavern after awhile.
I guess at the absolute bottom you find things... that's why they have that saying "let's get to the bottom of this" lol. Yes because at the bottom you find all the truths, the inescapable truths that hurt and cause fear. Then after the stark realisations you can look back up to the light and try to climb back out. But for those with depression and anxiety... they always know in the back of their mind there is a rock bottom and that they most likely will find themselves again there one day. The last couple of years I've been bungee jumping in and out of that hole. Yet too scared, worried and perhaps stubborn to get professional help. Silly me. Stupid me. Oh let the self loathing begin. Fuck I sound like a teenager. I like to think I've grown a lot, learnt a lot, evolved. But then I continue with these spiralling actions. And my mind starts to wonder if a psych could help anyways. What if it is mostly chemical? My brain wired like a crazy ninja.
Please excuse me for a mess of a post. But this is my mind and I'm just going to vomit it up right now for you.
Autism Awareness Day was yesterday. And it was also my middle son's (Jack, my little man with Autism) 4th birthday. Ironic. But even more ironic is that moment when you look up about Autism in Females because of your worries about your 2 year old daughter. Then you go through a checklist that sounds like a description of yourself. Bam! Self diagnose with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism. I was not aware of the traits a female could display with Autism. But now I am. And as weird as it may sound I think I need to go get myself assessed. Whatever comes out of it, I know I can make peace with the fuck up that I am and was. And I guess this is why I am watching Evangeline like a hawk. I don't want her to think the way I did growing up. Or even the way I think now. I want her to be proud of herself, and not to feel weird, an outcast, a freak. I hope to prevent her from getting anxiety and eating disorders. I wish there was a medical label for me back in when I was a kid. I would've felt better I think. I would've understood why I did the things I did and thought the things I thought. I mean, I do love the fact my parents thought the sun shined out of my butt and that there was nothing wrong with me... but really maybe things might've been a bit easier if I'd been assessed? I know things are different in this day and age and that Aspergers wasn't really heard of in the 80's, so I can't blame my parents or society for not picking up on my issues until they became eating disorders, crying fits and chronic fatigue.
Now it's time to see who I really am and what I really need to do. Knowledge is power, yes? That's what I've been doing with my children. Now I need to do it for myself.
Signing out... for now. Might be back in a day, might be back in a week, or maybe even a year again. God knows with my freaking mind...

Saturday 24 March 2012

Ryan Gosling link up again ;-)

Linking up with Sunday from Adventures in Extreme Parenthood and a big bunch of awesome bloggers who share the experience of being parents to children with Special Needs for the Special Needs Ryan Gosling meme *insert very happy and perhaps even toey face*

Sunday gave us a Ryan pic at the beginning of the week and we were given the assignment to create our own "Hey Girl.." text.

So here is my master piece...


Friday 2 March 2012

I'm still alive!!! And Ryan Gosling is the reason I'm blogging again...

Ok so there is this awesome blogger named Sunday who has a must read blog called Adventures in Extreme Parenthood. I am a huge fan of her work and have been brought out of my blogging funk with her linky 'Special Needs Ryan Gosling'.
This meme is in the style of the 'Hey Girl' series that has become very popular on the interwebs. But this version is all to do with being a Special Needs parent. There is just something about those dreamy eyes of Ryan's and the uber sensitive and understanding words that look like they are dripping from his mouth *sigh* *drool* *puddle*.
So here is my contribution that I created for the link up......

I am looking forward to joining in again in the following weeks, especially since I have both Autism and Cerebral Palsy to talk about and maybe you would like to create one too!!


Tuesday 7 February 2012

I got pampered... or did I?

For Christmas my hubby my children got me a massage voucher at a Day Spa.

I was filled with both happy gratitude and "oh fu** this could be painful". I say painful because I have indeed experienced some very painful massages, from both here in Australia and in Thailand. I am not sure whether I am just a big wuss. Or they actually just go 'hard' on me.... *titter titter*.

Anyways back on topic.
I booked in the massage for a morning that was completely free. Yes they exist. Sometimes.
And I rocked up both excited and a bit nervous.
The usual Enya type music was playing when I walked in.
The scent of 'who knows what' but it definately smelt like a day spa. Essential oils and all that.
I was ushered into a darkened room with candles burning and a massage table with my name on it... ok not literally but you get what I mean.
I was told to strip off (ok not in those words but that was how I perceived it). They left the room while I disrobed. Then came back in as I lay face down ready to be pummeled massaged.
So I don't know how y'all go when you get 'pampered'/ massaged... but I'm a thinker. I cannot bloody switch off! Here I am getting what others dream of only to think about all the details that clog up my foggy mind. Then I start to do an inner monolgue of the actual massage itself...

"Ok, ok, that's hectic pressure you're using right there"
"Oh yes, yes that feels sooo good"
"Hmmm this isn't so bad"
"Wow this is feeling great!"
"Ouch, ouch, fu**! That hurts!"
"Woah lady you're getting mighty close to my butt crack!"

And that last quote kept coming at me a couple of times.
Very close to my butt crack I tell ya!

I was saying to myself "You are so relaxed right now. You are!"

75 minutes of 'pure bliss' and I spent it with the inner monologue of Woody Allen!

Am I the only one who doesn't get the full affect of the 'Day Spa' experience????
I mean I do and if hubby is reading this, I do I do get the experience!!! But I'm just unable to fully relax. Like comatose relax... Maybe it's just me....

Anyways, I really do enjoy the 'Day Spa' experience.. but maybe I just need a week of it to adjust to 'switching off'. *Insert winky and very much hinting face*

P.S: I really did enjoy the pampering. But damn that inner freaking monologue! Anybody know how to switch that off???!??

Thursday 2 February 2012

This post may make no sense at all, but heck I thought it may change the world... lol...

Ok so I've been mega quiet on my blog lately...

There are several reasons for this...

But do I want to bore you with the details??? Hmmmmm.

Yep I do!

As you all know I am a nut bag. Crazy in the head. Completely loco. But well happy, as well as well depressed. Yep I'm a little f***ed up. But aren't we all??!?!??

I am very happy and content with my life.

My head on the other hand could totally have a lobotomy.

My depression funnily enough is not riding solely on my crazy situation in this life. A lot of it is chemical. Or something like that. My brain does funny things to me. Makes dark clouds hang listlessly about my head, whether the sun shines and my children talk.

I am a positive person. I am. I'm optimistic. But that doesn't stop my mind f***ing with me.

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"What the f***?!?"

Yep that's me. Thinking about cancer. A lot.

Lump in throat?


Sore boob?


It's the one thing that we all could have.
Very hard to 'prevent'.
Children die of it. They did nothing. They didn't smoke or eat junk or sunbake.

It just happens.

That's why I'm scared the f*** of it.

Probably doesn't help that my mum died from it. And that one of my best friend's have suffered from it. That so many people are affected by it!

Anyways, after months and months of self torture a friend of mine made me see the GP. The Eve of Christmas Eve I rocked up to the Dr and told him of my depression and anxiety. He prescribed anitdepressants and valium and a psychologist.

I reluctantly started on the meds, but thank God I did! I had hit rock bottom. Crying so hard, my eye balls ached.

Christmas Day rolled by. A little hazy. But my husband surprised me with a gift he has no idea makes my heart sing. He bought me a Digital SLR camera. Since that day I have been photographing like a demon!!.  I mean my children and my husband make me beyond happy. But faaarrr out! Photography takes me somewhere else!!!!
Ok so the black clouds still hang about, but I have my highs from my children and my hubby and my photography.

So there you have it. I've been attached to the camera and removed myself from the writing that had helped me last year. I hope to be able to do both this year. I also hope to be able to help others who feel as f***ed up as me *insert winky face*. There are awesome days out there. A lot of them actually!!! We just need to shine the spotlight on them and take a picture.