..Dear Diary...

I decided that today I would share a few extracts from one of my diaries. But there is a reason for my choice in which diary and what dates. You see tomorrow is the 24th of May, and it will mark the 13th anniversary of my mum's passing. So I have chosen the diary from when I was in my late teens. I haven't opened it for awhile and it will probably be quite confronting for me and possibly for others. But I think it may help deal with all those emotions and thoughts that come up at this time every year.
So here we go...
Saturday 21st February 1998:
Mum got her results from the tests she had on Thurs, it said the liver & kidneys were fine but the pancreas has an enlargement at the head & points to carcinoma. We freaked & called Dr T..., so mum & Tam drove to C....... at 6pm to get Dr T... to explain the results.
I called dad who had met up with them in C..... He wouldn't tell me anything on the phone, so when Tam called (came home seperately) I asked her to tell me what's going on. Dr T... said we have to treat/view it as cancer of the pancreas at the moment & hopefully prove it wrong. Mum's going for some more tests on Monday- CT scan and chest X-ray. I was fully shocked.
When Ma and Pa {this is what I called my parents sometimes) & Tam came home I found out if it is Cancer of the Pancreas & it hasn't spread yet they have to take out the pancreas & mum will be on enzymes for the rest of her life or if it has spread (namely to her lungs) she will die. I can't believe it! I feel sooo bad for mum, poor thing is sooooo afraid and upset. I love her sooooo much and would lose my mind if she dies.

Well that was hard to type. I'm shaking a little. I totally forgot about that. I didn't know that was the exact date she got her diagnosis.

Monday 23rd February 1998:
Mum went for the CT scan today & the result was that she has Cancer of the Pancreas, but it hasn't spread to any other organs. So they have to remove the pancreas & give chemo to mum. I guess it's better than her dying but I'd be shitting bricks if I had to have an organ removed. I love her soooooo much. I hope she's not too scared and that everything goes well.

Once again I totally forgot about this. The hope.

Sunday 8th March 1998:
We've been visiting mum everyday, she thinks this is the end. i try & tell her it isn't. Mum is on morphine (but it doesn't entirely work). On Fri I stayed the whole day with mum, except she had a special test at 2pm (which went for 3 hours). She had to be taken to the Nuclear Medicine section & injected with a special dye, so i couldn't stay with her. So I walked to westfields & spoke to Mrs M... on the mobile phone.
Yesterday Dad, Tam, C.. & I went to C.... to do shopping & buy mum a few nighties. Mrs M... gave us a dinner to keep in the fridge till we need it, she also gave a present to mum > a tiny teddy bear named 'Precious'. I gave Mrs M... a hug & thanked her for her help.
People have said they've been praying for her,I have prayed also but feel praying will do no good.
On Monday we'll find out what's happening with mum.
There's a girl in the ward named Janelle who's 16 years old and has Acute Leukemia (a fast occuring thing, pretty fatal). she was crying on monday night & has had a lot of visitors (high school friends and teachers). It is sooooo sad. It's such a depressing ward > ill people, vomit noises etc etc. Janelle had pretty below the shoulder length hair when I first saw her on monday but yesterday I saw her with a short boys hair cut looking much more ill.
Mum's looking soooo skinny/bony, like she's fading away. Tam is breaking & so is dad. I reckon I'm just in shock, acting strange and having weird dreams, yesterdays dream had the theme of death (with a written description of what happens in the last few mins of dying).

Tuesday 10th March 1998:
Yesterday evening Tam & I drove to L... Hospital. Mum told us how the P.E.T scan went. There are some 'warm spots' in the liver & near the collar bone, doesn't look hopeful & mum has to have another ultrasound. We (Ma, Pa, Tam & I) went outside, I hugged mum as we both became tearful. Mum's shaking in fear. it hurts to see her like this. I don't think it's fully hit me yet.
Tam & I had a little catfight over nothing cos we're both vented up with anger. but both apologised.
This is like some awful nightmare.

Night mare indeed. It is painful to read and I just want to go back and do something more helpful for my mum. I feel I should've hugged her more at that time. I shouldn't have left her side, ever.

Wednesday 11th March 1998:
Found out that they can't operate, the cancer is in another place as well. Mum's starting chemo tonight. There's a 1 in 5 chance of it working & mum living.  It's so shocking, I can't believe it! she was meant to live until over 70, see me grow into a woman, get a job, get married & have kids. Argggggh. I cried for 10 minutes straight just thinking about it all. This fucking sux! There's like a death sentence on her. She's the best mum in the world. I love her soooo much!

Thursday 12th March 1998:
I just finished watching 'Oprah' & it was about keeping a gratitude journal, how it helps you appreciate the day, fulfills your life, makes you positive, instead of focussing on the bad. I will try to do the same here, focus on the things I'm grateful for but also what happens in the day or week (neg or pos). Oprah used to keep a diary from 15 years old onwards, but it was filled with negative things, but for about 2 years now she has kept a gratitude journal which contains 5 things you are grateful for in the day. So here goes...
1. I got to be educated today, went to school
2. I really enjoyed breakfast
3. I actually enjoyed cleaning the house, purifying experience
4. Mum came home, i'm glad to have her
5. Thanks for microwaves. i made dinner of deb potato & peas

Ok so I need a break for a bit. I will post this and go have a shower. Thank you for reading this far. It is a journey so inexplicable, but I hope to have helped someone, even if it's myself, in sharing this.

Lucky duck...

When I tell people about my children obviously it comes out that Liam has CP. It's just a fact of our life and that's that. But I have had the response of  "oh I'm so sorry" or worse still "you poor thing". What? Huh? Excuse me? Do not feel sorry for me or Liam. He is one very happy dude. And I like to think I am one pretty happy dude-ette. Further more I am one very lucky mummy!!! I am so blessed to be able to have children. There are people out there who will never be able to concieve and they would pay thousands, if not millions just to be able to be given a possible chance of falling pregnant.
Yes indeed there are difficult days and yes my back aches at times, but I would never trade that for anything! All I have to think about is how we almost lost him in that first day of life and I know I have won the lottery with Liam. He is one in a gazillion. As are all our children.
I remember having a conversation with a person, who had no problems concieving, about fertility treatment. She had said that it was against God's plans and that the Doctors were trying to play God. I was quite gobsmacked. I then asked if that also included fertility drugs, not just IVF, and she responded with "yes, any kind of intervention is against the plan". I kindly pointed out that my parents had tried for 7 years and that without fertility drugs my sister would not be here and maybe I wouldn't be either (although I was a little surprise for my parents lol). She was unable to speak after that. What could she say?
The pain and the sadness of trying for years and years I cannot even begin to imagine. Liam was a surprise baby just like me, but we tried for 2 months with Dylan and that felt like a long time! Then after we lost him I could not go on until we were pregnant again. It took 6 months for us to fall with Jack. That six months was torture. Maybe more so because I was trying to fill the void that had opened up from the loss of Dylan. So the thought of trying for years and going through numerous treatments and dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions, is just beyond comprehension. And there are couples out there experiencing this everyday.
I do love the good news stories of people getting their miracle babies. Some through fertility drugs, some through IVF. And in some cases naturally, against all odds, when a couple have been told they will never concieve. Now that is magic!
Next time someone says "oh I'm sorry", I'm going to take advice from my friend K and respond with "what? did you fart?"

Darn it! I wanted to post on my blog last night...

...but the blogger site was down grrrr. Just when I would've wrote my masterpiece. Oh well the moment's gone now, so we'll never know... hehehe
Anyways, back to that train of thought I was following last post. L, N and myself were reflecting on a few events of the past and how we learn from them in terms of gratitude. This is especially true of events where 'loss' occurs. I certainly will never take my three muskateers for granted that's for sure!!! I guess losing a baby may not seem like much to those who haven't experienced it. But there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of Dylan and what he means to my life. His loss means Jack and Evangeline could be here with us. I have certainly grown as a person through that loss and that change cannot be undone. I also see that my mum finally got to have her grandchild. I can imagine her looking after him in 'the afterlife'... that is comforting.
Unfortunately I do see people experience this kind of loss and they become exteremely bitter and angry people, or is it that they always were and never changed?  These people whinge about the most trivial things and that to me signifies no growth, no development, they havent learnt at all from the experience they were given.  I must add it is ok to be angry and bitter for a little while after the event, that is so understandable. But to spend the rest of your life angry is a wasted life.